Jokes

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There's a ribbon, must be a present...

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
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Yo dude!

I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When
she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she
took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole new bracket?

Your bud.
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Men are like high heels....

they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
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Simple household tips (These really work!):



1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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The nice Jewish mother-in-law comes over and finds her son-in-law furious, and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asks.

Eli screams, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage. I'm leaving!"

"Calm down!" says the mother-in-law. "There's something odd about this story. My Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"You see, I said that there must be a simple explanation: Rachel never got your email!"
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It's not about the nail

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Church Bulletins! - Part 2

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days..

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

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Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?
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Dating Guideline By Income Level

SSDI - $12,000 (Internet Porn)
$13,000 - $20,000 (Over-weight white or Hispanic woman with 3 kids)
$21,000 - $30,000 (A mail order bride from Russia or somewhere else in Asia)
$31,000 - $50,000 (A white woman in her late 20’s or early 30’s with 1 or 2 kids)
$51,000 - $75,000 (A college educated women in her early 20’s)
$76,000 - $100,000 (A professional/career woman or a hot dancer at the local strip club)
$110,000 & up (A trophy wife)
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So, someone try this.....

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took
her to 'Adventure World' theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favorites, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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We had a power outage at our home last night. So, instead of a night of TV, the wife and I spent the time chatting. It was a real eye opener - I'm off to buy a back-up generator today.
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I was at a party on Saturday night, the DJ played 'Sit Down' by James and everybody sat down.

Then he played 'Jump Around' so we all jumped around the dance floor. Next he played 'Come on Eileen' and I got thrown out of the party.
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I knew I had the wrong marriage counselor when I saw her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards"
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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,
Then Mr. Isippi came back early from a business trip.
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[letsboogie351]

AUSSIE HELP LINE.

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her p**ssy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

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When the cop said he was going to give the guy a ticket for rolling stop, the guy says, "What would you do if I called you a dirty rotten SOB?
The cop replied,"I would write on the ticket that you used abusive language and were uncooperative."
The guy says, "What if I just thought it?"
The cop says "I can't document what you think."
Guy says, "OK. I think you are a dirty rotten SOB."

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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
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The top ten things men understand about women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
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Encouraging happy thoughts....

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Which Barbie did your wife/girl friend have growing up?

Princess Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold only at Saks. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Princess Barbie is easily exchanged, and occasionally mistaken for Yuppie Barbie.

Girls Who Lunch Barbie
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Yuppi Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Redneck Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Green Earth Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks , or combat boots with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Green Earth Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Dropout Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Trailer Trash Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gut Ken out of Trailer Trash Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a skimpy halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.



So, you're driving along in your Cobra ........

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REDNECK SENSITIVITY

This one ll bring a tear to your eye..


Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Bud.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
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OJ Simpson Doll HD

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I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.
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Quiz

Think of a number from 1 to 10.

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add your age.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes.

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Dark, isn't it?
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Required reading....



YIKES!

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Happiness...

[letsboogie351]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real b*tch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.