Jokes

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Recently, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!" and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Colorado he'd be called under-inventoried and needs further education since he needs at least that much stored in two separate "Remote mountain" locations plus that amount at home.

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food

In Montana, he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And...
In Texas, he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy."
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SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book
A man goes into a book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... Sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

The meaning of life in 13 words……
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f@*k happened”

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Why is it that women always say they can multitask, but they can never have a headache and have sex at the same time?
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Why are pizza boxes square when the pizza is round...and the slices are triangles?
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It's only a gas tank, officer....

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Sometimes, presentation beats size....



Payback is a *****....

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One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."
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A couple of college students met in a night club one night and danced the night away. They hit it off pretty well, and soon the guy suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well, it wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, the guy noticed something strange. The girl’s toes would curl up during every lovemaking session.

When they were done, they lay back on the bed and relaxed against the pillows. Finally, our fellow, being impressed with himself, said, “I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up every time we made love.”

The girl looked at him and smiled. “Well, that usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose.”
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Meanwhile, in Nigeria....