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Kirkham Motorsports

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  #3241 (permalink)  
Old 09-01-2013, 05:45 PM
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oh...nevermind........tried to post but the site gremlins kept resetting server bullcrap...but it let me post this....
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  #3242 (permalink)  
Old 09-01-2013, 06:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bliss View Post
- thought about this site for some more than passingly strange reason...
Really? Let's get something straight right now...

You weren't banned for your humor. You were banned for your out-of-line confrontation with a moderator.

Do it again..and it will happen again.

If you think of this site with disdain...then take a hike on your own.

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  #3243 (permalink)  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:54 PM
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Welcome BACK!!
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  #3244 (permalink)  
Old 09-11-2013, 11:00 PM
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A very tired nurse walks into a Bank of the Ozarks branch on Hwy 71, right here in Bentonville, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great … that's just great … some asshole's got my pen!'
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  #3245 (permalink)  
Old 09-15-2013, 03:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by computerworks View Post
Really? Let's get something straight right now...

You weren't banned for your humor. You were banned for your out-of-line confrontation with a moderator.

Do it again..and it will happen again.

If you think of this site with disdain...then take a hike on your own.

Thanks
Ron
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This site is fine, it's you.
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  #3246 (permalink)  
Old 09-16-2013, 07:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bliss View Post
This site is fine, it's you.
OK, that's clear.

Abide by the rules and accept moderation when applied....and all will be fine.
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  #3247 (permalink)  
Old 09-19-2013, 10:20 PM
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Just one of those days, I guess…
Great Coffee Commercial, destined to become a classic!!!

Http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0
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  #3248 (permalink)  
Old 09-19-2013, 10:22 PM
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PBS recently aired a documentary called "Smarter Brains", the premise being that each of the last two generations had a 25 point increase in average IQ on standardized tests, attributable in large part to interacting with computers, smart phones and other technological advances. So, people are smarter now?

In my day...

Irons didn't have a warning label saying "Do not iron clothes while wearing them." Especially underwear!

Toilet bowl cleaner didn't have a warning label saying "Do not drink from toilet." Do they think my dog reads labels?

The fuel tank cap didn't have a warning label saying "Do not use a lighted match or candle to check fuel level."

Chain saws didn't have a warning label saying "Do not stop chain with hands or genitals." Natural selection delayed...

Dremel rotary tools didn't have a warning label saying "Do not use to drill teeth." It hurts just thinking about it!

Hair dryers didn't have a warning label saying "Intended to dry hair on head only" and "Do not use while asleep."

Curling irons didn't have a warning label saying "Do not use on eyelashes." Ouch!

Air tight plastic storage boxes didn't have a warning label saying "Not for storage of animals or small children."

Electric letter openers didn't have a warning label saying "Sharp blades, safety goggles recommended."

A prescription from the vet for your dog didn't have a warning label saying "Use care when operating vehicles or machinery."

Frozen entrees didn't have a warning label saying "Product will be hot after heating."

A 'Superman' costume didn't have a warning label saying "Wearing this garment will NOT enable wearer to fly."

A sleep aid didn't have a warning label saying "WARNING: May cause drowsiness." One would hope...

A carton of eggs didn't have a warning label saying "Caution: this product may contain eggs."

A thermometer didn't have a warning label saying "If used rectally, do not then use orally."

Pepper spray didn't have a warning label saying "May cause irritation of the eyes." Isn't that the point?

Fireplace logs didn't have a warning label saying "WARNING: Risk of fire." Isn't fire what you wanted in the fireplace?

Sunshields for your windshield didn't have a warning label saying "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

Standardized IQ tests are fine for pseudo-intellectuals, but I think the common sense standard is a more accurate measure.
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  #3249 (permalink)  
Old 09-27-2013, 07:50 PM
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Default The Bank Robber

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.
As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence..
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.
Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."
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  #3250 (permalink)  
Old 10-27-2013, 04:52 PM
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I mowed the lawn today and, after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.


My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said that instead of saying, "Just thinking" is because she would have said, "About what?". At that point, I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to, yet, other questions from her - interrupting my deep thinking.



Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.



Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question: getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby. And, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.



Time for another beer.
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  #3251 (permalink)  
Old 11-08-2013, 07:30 AM
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Anyone else notice that since we had a little spat over that non-PC joke that the jokes have now dried up?

I once thought that men were men and PC was a term used by lefties and tree huggers. How has it made it's way onto this jokes thread.

Sad really. The jokes used to be a little highlight.
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  #3252 (permalink)  
Old 11-08-2013, 07:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jethrow View Post
How has it made it's way onto this jokes thread.

Sad really.
Just a reminder... the 'spat' was not over the joke or the content.

The 'spat' was picking a fight with a moderator.

Not a good idea.

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  #3253 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2013, 10:45 AM
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With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by a bottle of great Bordeaux. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before ----- I took a cab home.

Sure enough, on the way home, there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it, but since my birthday is coming up, I might just take it out for a spin.
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  #3254 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2013, 11:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by computerworks View Post
Just a reminder... the 'spat' was not over the joke or the content.

The 'spat' was picking a fight with a moderator.

Not a good idea.

thanks
Ron
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Well, Merry Christmas.

BTW, I'm also doing this this year....

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  #3255 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2013, 11:17 AM
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Do you want to stay?

Or, is that a goodbye?
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  #3256 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2013, 05:56 AM
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Texas Solution To A Long Life


A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY .....UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,

AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Ron
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  #3257 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2013, 04:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by computerworks View Post
Do you want to stay?

Or, is that a goodbye?
I told you computerworks, I'm not interested so stop following me around.

Anyway.....

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
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  #3258 (permalink)  
Old 12-31-2013, 04:25 PM
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AND THEN IT IS WINTER

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is - the 'back nine' of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that 'I was only on the first hole' and the 'back nine' was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is . . .my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me, but, I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant . . . but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore . . . it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the 'back nine,' and I'm not sure how long it will last, this I know for sure, that when it's over on this earth . . . it's over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done . . .things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not on the 'back nine' yet . . .let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the 'back nine' or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life . . .so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!

Remember, "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."

LIVE HAPPY IN 2014

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

~Your kids are becoming you . . .but your grandchildren are perfect.

~Going out is good . . . Coming home is better.

~You forget names . . .But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything . . . especially golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that
you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep.

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words . . . "what?" . . . "when?". . . ” ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless."

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . . . 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things ~~~ Old Songs, Old Movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
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  #3259 (permalink)  
Old 01-02-2014, 08:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bliss View Post
AND THEN IT IS WINTER

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is - the 'back nine' of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that 'I was only on the first hole' and the 'back nine' was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is . . .my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me, but, I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant . . . but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore . . . it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the 'back nine,' and I'm not sure how long it will last, this I know for sure, that when it's over on this earth . . . it's over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done . . .things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not on the 'back nine' yet . . .let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the 'back nine' or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life . . .so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!

Remember, "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."

LIVE HAPPY IN 2014

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

~Your kids are becoming you . . .but your grandchildren are perfect.

~Going out is good . . . Coming home is better.

~You forget names . . .But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything . . . especially golf.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that
you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep.

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~You tend to use more 4 letter words . . . "what?" . . . "when?". . . ” ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless."

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . . . 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things ~~~ Old Songs, Old Movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS

Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!"

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
I don't get that joke...

Eric
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  #3260 (permalink)  
Old 01-02-2014, 07:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TXBLU View Post
I don't get that joke...

Eric
Maybe it's not a joke
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