Jokes

[Ibr8k4vetts]

We do???? haha

[bliss]

[FWB]

look! there some degenerates reflection in the window!!!

wonder who it is?

[69boss429]

> Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies
>
> FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
>
> 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
>
> 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
>
> 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
>
> 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
>
> 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
>
> 6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
>
> 7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
>
> 8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
>
> 9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
>
> 10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
>
> 11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
>
> 12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
>
> 13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
>
> 14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
>
> 15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
>
> 16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
>
> 17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
>
> 18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
>
> 19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
>
> 20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
>
> 21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
>
> 22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGE-BRA?
>
> 23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
>
> 24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
>
> 25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
>
> 26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
>
> 27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
>
> 28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
>
> 29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
>
> 30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
>
> 31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
>
> 32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
>
> 33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
>
> 34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY' - THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?!!

[dave from mesa]

Once there was a magical mirror.
When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.

One day three college girls went to the mirror.

The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one."
Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.

The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one."
Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.

Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*"
Then she suddenly dissapearred forever

[BAsque1]

The Old German Shepherd

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his
faithful, elderly German Shepherd along for the trip.


One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around
here?'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the
leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up.


The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[bliss]

[bliss]

Dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change

$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alienvehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

[MRGEORGE077]

Joke of the Day!
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties the husband to a chair; while tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.

Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

[letsboogie351]

A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition of a dilemma?"

The professor responded, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate the answer to that question."

"Just imagine that you're laying in a really big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side of you, and a poofter on the other."

"Which one are you going to turn your back on?"

[bliss]

High five...

[bliss]

[bliss]

Pepsi MAX & Jeff Gordon Present: "Test Drive 2"

[TN Shelby Cobra]

Bliss, I have to admit that was good!

[MRGEORGE077]

BLACK VOOdOO

One of the best commercials seen in a long time!


Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/embed/Yn0ey0vePwI





















Betcha she does!!!!!!

[MRGEORGE077]

Le dîner de Mariele - Chien drôle mange à table

(Dinner Mariele - Funny dog ​​eats at the table )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub1Dc3NHZ3s

[bliss]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.


She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[bliss]

Also, a thought for today....

[bliss]

Cosby...

"I wasn't always black...
There was this freckle,
and it got bigger and bigger."

>>>

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

>>>

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

>>>

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

>>>

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

>>>

When you become senile, you won't know it.

[bliss]

Would you stop to help out?