Jokes

[bliss]

This appears to be a lesson on project management...

[bliss]

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SywpGHTsg00"]Insane Himalayas Bus Ride Not For The Faint Hearted[/ame]

[MRGEORGE077]

ToyoHog! 1-of-a-kind Harley Davidson Powered Prius, Street Reg, Full Roll Cage;

Hilarious

Toyota Prius HD Special Edition | eBay

[bliss]

I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable Nature shot that I’ve ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!
I've sent this to most of my older friends. The younger ones probably have never seen a falcon and wouldn't recognize it.

Nesting Falcon

_____

The only cow in a small town in Alberta stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200.

So they bought the cow in Melfort, brought it back to Alberta and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

Then they decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.


They bought a bull and put him in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan."

[FWB]

[MRGEORGE077]

Myrtle Beach Golf - The Golfer's Dilemma



[ame]https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=A0kdBDwNddc[/ame]

[letsboogie351]

Two old Diggers are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"


"Aw sh*t," says his friend, "and I just joined f*cken Rotary"

[bliss]

[bliss]

Someone has finally explained the reason why baby diapers have brand
names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies and Pampers" while undergarments for
old people are called "Depends."

You see, when babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv'em and Hug'em and Pamper them. However, when old people $hit in
their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

Glad to get that straightened out for you.

_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Like these? Go here.....

Wikipedia - condensed for your pleasure...

[bliss]

Driver was texting and caused a collision, this was the other drivers reaction!



Kids these days....

[bliss]

Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got all of her clothes back.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Iran . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
_____

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with
her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked
and with a monster of a hangover. So she rang for the
butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Jameson" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last
night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and
hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I
took the liberty of removing them."

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

[bliss]

Not funny....



Funny.....



Fun....(exercise routine)

[bliss]

[bliss]

Not funny......



sort of funny....



strangely funny...



Not funny, again...

[CobraDan]

On APRIL, 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.
As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search.

The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,” according to a Kingsport Police Department report.

A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman.

In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”

News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.

Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility.

According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond


Now read the Posted one-liners. A few relate to the article, so read it first!

1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked...
5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."
6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10. You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen. Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12. I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13. Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14. I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15. Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16. Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17. A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18. Figures... it uses 'rim shot' ammo.

[bliss]

Conundrum

The definition of the word Conundrum is: Something that is puzzling or confusing.

Here are six Conundrums in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.
_____

I think I speak for most heterosexual males when I say I’m not homophobic but chick-o-centric. Let’s keep it positive, okay? It’s not that we dislike you, the gay guy; it’s just that we really like girls. It seems no matter how long we compliantly spend in rehab undergoing the most stringent psychotherapy to rid ourselves of our knee-jerk to your mate choice, the simple fact is . . . heterosexual guys don’t “get” gays. Period.

Heck, we don’t understand women. What makes you think we’ll ever understand a man who doesn’t like women yet wants to be a woman? You just rifled right over our heads. In addition, not only are most men incapable of comprehending what a man sees in another man, we also don’t care to try to because football is on—so can we all just shut the hell up with the gay stuff and watch the game?!?

Please, rehab freaks, you’re wasting your time on the heterosexual tribe trying to get us to be cool with that which is incomprehensible to us. Just like the homosexual, we are quite happy with our sexual bent and our own little world, so leave us alone, por favor.


Read more at HEY, NFL-PC-GAY FASCISTS: I'm Not Homophobic, I'm Chick-O-Centric | Clash Daily...

[bliss]

[bliss]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink this time, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!"