Jokes

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Who is the greatest?


A cow, an ant and an old fool are debating on who is the greatest of the three.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"



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Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to say something.

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[Ibr8k4vetts]

See, the Ford knew it had a load and was ready to go!!!

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How to cheer up someone in the hospital.....

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[392cobra]

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in
Austin.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to
jump. (fixin' to is the State Verb of Texas)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump!
Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, "Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump..you
little Yankee Democrat Bastard.. You're holding up traffic."

[Joe Wicked]

In Texas this is what we call a true story.

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[69boss429]

The meaning of aplomb



His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it

was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship,

Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!



THAT is aplomb."

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So, that's how it's done....




Shaq on the right....

[392cobra]

BREAKING: US Patent Office revokes trademarks on "Green Bay Packers" name; says it offends gay people.

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Cool chain saw....

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Not funny....



Interesting....



Sort of funny.....



Funny....

[pablo63]

*


*The Nagging Wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.*
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.*
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.*
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'*
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

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Not funny...



Once again....



Sort of funny...

[FWB]