Jokes

[Aussie Mike]

I quite like checking in on this thread for a laugh in the morning but Bliss your last few posts have been sh!t.

Seeing horrendous vehicle accidents that likely involve a fatality or at the very least terrible injuries and pain is f#cked up. I don't want to see that. There's nothing funny about it and it doesn't belong in a jokes thread

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Sorry to see that.

[bliss]

OK, I understand - how about this....no one gets hurt.....

[Aussie Mike]

Much better. Thanks

[bliss]

Greed....

[NewYorkGuy]

North Korea leader Kim Jong un declares death to the individual(s) responsible for this video.

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ux1TzKQnJA[/ame]

[NewYorkGuy]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS90kgX1vJM[/ame]

[bliss]

Shipwrecked....

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman

- Two French men and one French woman

- Two German men and one German woman

- Two Greek men and one Greek woman

- Two English men and one English woman

- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

- Two Irish men and one Irish woman

- Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping...

[bliss]

Google is obviously a girl... because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

I'm not saying I'm Superman, I'm just saying that no one has ever seen me and Superman in the same room together.....

Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween...I guess they don't appreciate random strangers coming up to their doors.

Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

National Sarcasm Society....Yeah right, like we need your support.

Thank you for calling customer support...My name is Habib Akmed Mufassa Osama Akmed Habib. How may I misunderstand you and piss you off today?

Thank you for informing me you have a stick figure family of 6. Your minivan had me under the impression you were wild and single.

Serial killers rarely answer questions like “Who’s there?”

Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

If history repeats itself, I really want a dinosaur.

Kinstipation: the painful inability to get visiting relatives out.

[392cobra]

Seems like a lot of good advice here.

Just be nice and put your tools and golf clubs away in a safe place when your finished with them.



ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND




It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Eric. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Anne to get a
full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf
club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on
the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating
out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub
when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before
she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or
even
three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the grass. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And,
as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me,
too. .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Anne. I'm
not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other.















EDITOR'S NOTE:
Eric died suddenly on May 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf
club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a
sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Anne was arrested and charged with
murder.

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting
her defense that Eric, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on
his golf club.

[bliss]

Not funny....


Funny....

[NewYorkGuy]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbwOkGR7uuY[/ame]

[JoeT]

Originally Posted by bliss

Funny....

here's the video

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn8QJ8KWhLU[/ame]

Brittney has great boobies

[392cobra]

Drinking With A Texas Girl


An illegal immigrant Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas Girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer
('cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The TEXAS Girl , cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Texas , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'

GOD BLESS TEXAS!

[Jaydee]

new York Guy please explain why this is funny. I don't get the joke?
JD

[bliss]

Positive attitude...

Saturday night a friend of mine gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital. ICU, tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain over his left ear, and an absolutely gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at him deep & steady and he heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

He managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your breasts, then?'

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.



Why those old time remedies worked...

[bliss]

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDdZHIuAzVQ"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDdZHIuAzVQ[/ame]

[bliss]

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas).

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

"However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life,the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
_____

I know this board likes trivia. Here's a bit of trivia a bet nobody here knows…

Long ago there were two Jewish brothers from Poland by the last name of Perske. Yitzhak Perske moved his family to Israel. He had a son named Shimon Perske.

The other brother moved to the US and had a son named William Perske.

So Shimon and William were first cousins.

William had a daughter named Betty Joan Perske.

Shimon Perske changed decided to Hebraize his last name to Peres.

If the name Shimon Peres sounds familiar, it's because he became a famous politician, serving two terms as Prime Minister. Just three weeks ago he completed a term as President of Israel.

As for his cousin's daughter, she also changed her name. As her last name, she used her mother's maiden name of Bacall. And she changed her first name to Lauren.

I was thinking about this because I just read the said news that Lauren Bacall (OBM) passed away just a few hours ago.

[bliss]

Ever wonder why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell?
There's apparently more traffic going to hell.
_____

Welcome to Alzheimer's Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
_____

"You know, if you take everything I've done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent."
_____

My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.
_____

Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means... all you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
_____

Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
_____

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
_____

Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
_____

Sometimes I text and drive. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk.
_____

No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom.

I'm no longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
_____

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
_____

[bliss]

A teenage grand-daughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her, "Loosen up, Granny, these are modern times, you've got to let your rosebuds show", and she goes out.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother just smiles and says, "Loosen up, Sweetie, if you can show off your rosebuds then I can display my hanging baskets."
_____