Jokes

[bliss]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

[bliss]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with
their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart." Then, the women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

I think some are hilarious...if you have been married for quite a while, a sign of true love... who else would you reply to in such a succinct and honest way.

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???
_____

Wait! What....

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Hey Bliss,
That video of the surfer was taken just down the road from where I live.

[Buzz]

Lol - great stuff - including all the posts before this one - keep them coming. You can tell by the horizontal tail fins in this vid though, that these are porpoises, not sharks. A buddy of mine saw a shark silhouetted in a large wave once while spearfishing. Definitely got his attention!

[bliss]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”
_____

Safety first.

Just kidding, coffee first.

Safety's like third or fourth.
_____

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Originally Posted by Buzz

Lol - great stuff - including all the posts before this one - keep them coming. You can tell by the horizontal tail fins in this vid though, that these are porpoises, not sharks. A buddy of mine saw a shark silhouetted in a large wave once while spearfishing. Definitely got his attention!

Yep Porpoises, See them all the time here at the Rincon in Ca.

[bliss]

After both suffering from depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
_____

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I did not know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
_____

[bliss]

I picked up a copy, it really helped me deal with my issue...plus it makes for a great coffee table book.

[bliss]

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan , and still wearing all this sh^t?
______

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence....

Molly put up her hand and said,
"My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating...."

The teacher said,
"That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating...."

Sally raised her hand....
She said,
"My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated...."

The teacher said,
"Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate...."

Little Johnny raised his hand....
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before....

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him....

Johnny said,
"My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight...."

The teacher sat down and cried....

[bliss]

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or...” and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[bliss]

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, “Ya know, I heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!”
_____



Patients treated by renal artery denervation were no more likely to

see their blood pressure decline than those who received a fake

therapy in a major clinical trial.

Although the blood pressure of those who received the denervation

treatment was considerably lower in comparison once those who

received the fake treatment were told about it.

[bliss]

Good News - Bad News

The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed!

You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."
_____

Crazy ex-girlfriends - like a box of chocolates.....

They'll kill your dog.
_____

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"
______

Meanwhile, just off the main road in Idaho...

[bliss]

A guy was driving down the highway with his blond girlfriend when she said to him, 'I think those people in the car next to us are from another country.

'Why is that?' he said.

'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, ...'stit ruoy su wohs'.
_____

My son asked me what it's like to be married.......so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
_____

A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Bonus......

Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen.

Also...

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."
The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!
"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender
The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"
"Well, what do you have?"
"A dollar."

[bliss]

Trust no one.....




Billy Mays is in heaven now...

....partying like it's $19.99.
______



Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???
A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says:
"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

[bliss]

I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.
_____

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday...

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
_____

[bliss]

I've met a lot of people who mistake their imagination for memory.
_____

My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
_____

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
_____

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
_____

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
_____

Most women are sex objects, try asking for sex and they'll object.
_____

Two guys camping in the woods and one is bitten on the penis by a snake.

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.

He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds the only doctor for miles helping a woman deliver a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here's what you do. Take a knife, cut a huge X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agonizing pain. “What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. The friend said, “He says you’re going to die.”

[NewYorkGuy]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zX1jUbdTIs[/ame]

[bliss]

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I'll let you know
_____

A. I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm
wearing my garage door opener.

B. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.

C. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

D. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you
still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to
bounce it.

E. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it
"Pumping Rust"

F. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!

G. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for
company!"

H. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks?

I. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good
Doctor!

J. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could
look for them while they delivered the mail?

K. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were
cramming for their finals.
_____

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xibtzwdXgfI"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xibtzwdXgfI[/ame]