Jokes

[bliss]

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f*cking Indians.'"
______

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

So you have never been to Buffalo.......some of us LIVE here!

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

So you have never been to Buffalo.......some of us LIVE here!

https://www.facebook.com/buffalomoto...708755/?type=1


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...3564496&type=1

https://www.facebook.com/news4buffal...115505/?type=1

http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.s...orm_chips.html

http://www.nbcnews.com/watch/nightly...w-360994372000

And making lemonade out of lemons...
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...6132448&type=1

https://www.facebook.com/2onyourside...865359/?type=1

https://www.facebook.com/WBEERochest...201238/?type=1

[bliss]

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
_____

This just in......



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class...

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

[bliss]

So you went out and spent $40k - 60k on a new 4-wheel drive truck and put big off-road tires on it so you could get to work out in the oilfields. You could have bought a 1920's era Dodge!

As this video demonstrates, our roads have come a long way in 94 years. One must wonder if many of our 4 wheel drive and ATV's could do as well as this old Dodge sedan did.

This is amazing old footage!

Watch to the end it really gets interesting as to how they coped.



[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq2jY1trxqg#t=132"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq2jY1trxqg#t=132[/ame]

[1795]

Originally Posted by Mark IV

So you have never been to Buffalo.......some of us LIVE here!

Rick,

Is that you? Hope that you were not in the worst of it.

[bliss]

True Friendship......




This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
_____

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.
_____

[bliss]

Want to attract big ladies?




Things men do that upset women....

1. Lie.
2. Be honest.
3. Not talking to them.
4. Talking too much to them.
5. Not showing any emotions.
6. Being too emotional.
7. Breathing.
_____

When it comes to money, you can't win. If you pursue it, you're money hungry. If you keep it, you're a miser. If you spend it, you're irresponsible. If you don't get it, you're a failure. If you don't try to get it, you lack ambition. If you get it without working for it, you're a parasite. And if you accumulate it after a lifetime of hard work, people call you a fool who missed the meaning of life!

--Unknown--

[bliss]

Ironic......



Perfect Loop.....

[bliss]

I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
_____



A textbook example of unintended consequences is provided by the heavy cigarette taxes levied in some US states-- each sets its own rate, and they vary wildly: Missouri's state cigarette tax is 17 cents. It's $4.35 in New York...

[OnyxCobra]

[392cobra]

Huh. I don't get the "joke".

[bliss]

I suppose if the blade is set just right this will turn out well.....



Not funny and a little gross, but.... (Darwin Award contenders)

Cookin' with cooper....

[bliss]

Fifty-Seven Years of Math 1957-2014 In America:

The evolution in teaching math since the 1950’s

1. Teaching Math in 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math in 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math in 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math in 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math in 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math in 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of
race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood
memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct
answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math in 2014
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la
producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
_____

[bliss]

Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"

He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."

_____
For all you big guys...

[bliss]

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.



I'd like this for Christmas....

[bliss]

OT Sometimes we need more than a laugh....

After you finish reading the bulk of it, you will understand that good is better than evil. And, if one can find a reason to be happy, that should take precedence over an excuse to be unhappy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, "Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."

2. Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s- what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said, "Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing."

3. Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, "On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center."

4. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face.

5. Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.

6. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often."

7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

8. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save the planet?" Because that's where I keep all my stuff," she said.

9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

10. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said, "I hope you feel better soon."

11. Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you today. If you need me, I'm a phone call away." It was from a high school friend I hadn't seen in 10 years.

12. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, "We can share it."

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

[bliss]

Five Undeniable Facts

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize

that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.



2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having

a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.



3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of

mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.



4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,

Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but

will grab whatever is available.



5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live

longer than the men who mention it.

[bliss]

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot." “Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

"Across the street there could be a lingerie store call Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window and modeling the goods", and on the other side a liquor store called Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us." Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on."
_____

Future public execution device....




Something to relate to...

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... Chocolate is Salad.

[bliss]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
_____

I've drawn a cartoon picture of


Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un.


Let's see where this goes.
_____

If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, do you think Greece would help?
_____