Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

How many divorced men does it take to....

....screw in a light bulb?

Nobody knows, the never get to keep the house.
______

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop to plan for their upcoming nuptials.

After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake.

The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
______

[bliss]

They walk among us...

Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy... but you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Take the sign - Please !


Stay Alert! They walk among us... ( they drive, too)... they reproduce... they vote and I'm sure that many of them hold elected office.

[bliss]

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
_____

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
_____

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
_____

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
_____

My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"
"It means to be happy," I replied.
"Are you gay, dad?"
"No, son. I married your mother"
_____

[bliss]

Engineer vs Doctor


An Engineer could not find a job, so he opens a clinic, and puts a sign outside that says get treatment for $50, if not cured get back $100.

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to show up the engineer and earn a quick $100. And so he visits the clinic.

Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste.

Engineer: Nurse , bring the medicine from box no 22 and place 3 drops in the patient's mouth.

Patient (Doctor): Spits out the medicine and says "This is not medicine, it's Gasoline".

Engineer: Congrats.. you have your taste back ..that will be $50

Doctor gets annoyed, and returns after several days to recover his money.

Doctor : I have lost my memory and can't remember a thing.

Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.

Doctor: "This medicine is for the sense of taste" protests the Doctor.

Engineer : congrats. your memory is back.. ..that will be $50

Doctor leaves, but after several days angrily returns for one last try.

Doctor : My eyesight has become weak.

Engineer : Well I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $100

Doctor : But this is $50 Note

Engineer : Congratulations, your eyesight has gotten better. ..that will be $50.

[bliss]

The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter's house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home . . . and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened.

A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation. She didn't get your email."
______

ROMANCE?

Barb was lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. ?

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me...”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.?

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"

Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

[bliss]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’.

The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics that would have lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. It’s time for another beer.
_____

Top 20 Reasons WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX...

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,
you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished
with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish
by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood
to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office,
tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without
getting sued for harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest
of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just
Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[bliss]

A young couple are talking .........

"Honey, before we get married, I want to confess all of my affairs."

"But darling," she replied, "you already did that. Two weeks ago."

"Yes, but that was two weeks ago."
_____

A cowboy and his wife...

Had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.

The cowboy went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This here is a very special 'casion...our weddin' night, and we need a good room with a strong bed.'

The clerk winked and asked, 'Do you want the Bridal?'

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, 'No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.'
______

A man died and went to The Judgment...

They told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
_____

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Donald's wife was missing and everyone including his brother-in-law accused him of murder. The case went to court. The body could not be found and the case was getting complicated.

There were several witnesses who were called to testify. Almost everyone spoke about the constant fights between the couple and the deadly threats that Donald had made.Seeing the case getting weaker & weaker for his client, Donald's lawyer, Simmons declared in the court, "I have an announcement to make. Please draw your attention to the door on the right. The woman who is presumed dead will walk in through that door."

There were whispers in the court and everybody looked towards the door.

After a couple of seconds, lawyer Simmons said again to the Jury, "To tell you the truth, no one will be walking in through the door.However, I observed that all of you turned your eyes towards the door, which proves that you are not completely convinced about my client's guilt."

Despite the stunt, the jury declared Donald guilty.

Lawyer Simmons tried one last time by saying, "How could you pronounce him guilty? You all turned towards the door, didn't you? I proved it to you, didn't I?"

An old guy replied, "There was one person who did not turn towards the door."

Lawyer Simmons asked, "And who is that?"

The old guy said, "Your client!"
_____

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers,
"Thank you honey. What would you like me to bring back for you?"
The husband laughs and says,
"An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks,
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for. The English girl."
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait 9 months to
see if it is a girl."
_____

There was a terrible mix-up at the hospital. A man who had been scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex-change operation. When told of the mistake, he was understandably distraught.
I'll never be able to experience an erection again," he wailed.
The surgeon tried to console him. "Of course you'll be able to experience an erection - it's just that it will have to be someone else's."
_____

[bliss]

A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford:

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But,there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.Can anyone here tell me, what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?


After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake"
_____

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in
Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is
centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.

Not ever."


The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years......you will NEVER

go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!

I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.



FIVE YEARS LATER. The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...


Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You
told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office; I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.

I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the
enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

[bliss]

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVaITA7eBZE"]This 'bird brain is very impressive[/ame]

[bliss]

Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag.

Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.

What would you have done if you were the girl?

If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Well, here is what she did ....

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't attempt to think.
_____

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
_____

[bliss]

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club:
"Can I buy you a drink?", he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have
girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago." he assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine
please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her
place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said,
"So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on
earth did you split with your girlfriend?"
He said,
"My wife found out"
_____

[bliss]

Red Hat women's night out....

As told by a member......

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be out done, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!

Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!
_____

[bliss]

A man walked into a Washington D.C. Catholic church confessional.
He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a congressman."

The priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service work!"

[bliss]

The Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
-------------------------------

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your Congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
-------------------------------


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!"

-------------------------------

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
-------------------------------

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
-------------------------------

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
-------------------------------


Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

-------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
-------------------------------

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
-------------------------------

Let us pray......................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord…
Give me the grace to enjoy a good joke…
To derive some humor out of life…
And pass it on to other folk…
Who will not judge my sense of humor!

[bliss]

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.
"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.
"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
_____

Heaven is...where the police are British, the cooks are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are French and it is all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is... where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it is all organised by the Italians.
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The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
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I pay a monthly membership fee that lets me think about going to a gym.
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Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men....

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[bliss]

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
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You know you're a redneck if....................

You mow your lawn and find a car.
Your dog passes wind and you claim it.
You think Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
The Salvation Army rejects your mattress.
You put your underwear on: yellow in front, brown in back.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of matches.
You think the mountain men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer grey.
You think paprika is a third world country.
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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!
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[bliss]

If train X leaves London at 187 mph east and train Y leaves New York at 160 mph north...at what point will this problem help me in my career?
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Saying the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results is called parenting.
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Wife and I found each other on a dating website, several years after we got married. That was awkward.
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.
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The "oops, wrong hole" excuse doesn't work when she catches you with her best friend.
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"Susan, will you marry me?"

"Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!"

Still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
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