Jokes

[bliss]

Random thoughts as we age ...

The biggest lie I tell myself is ...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.

We haven’t met yet......................

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don’t have white hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes” .

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people” ?

Well, it turns out that duct tape can’t fix stupid ....... however it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna
transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
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[bliss]

Bonus...

The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat.
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The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he
wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[bliss]

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant.


While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. Everything I think and do relates to golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.
____

[SMOKNAC]

The Italian Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. To check my Sister's wedding invitations' she said. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister”. Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom”, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[SMOKNAC]

A wife gets home after her annual physical exam and was passing her husband, who was watching baseball in his recliner. Without looking up he asks, “How’d your exam go?”

She stops and says, “Just fine. The doctor said I’m in great shape for my age. In fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old.”

The husband smirks and replies, “What did the doctor say about your 40 year old ass?”

She thinks for a moment and says, “Uh, your name never came up.”

[SMOKNAC]

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a d%#k that size".

[SMOKNAC]

Don’t mess with old people............

I am a sick old man.

I was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
‘And how are we doing this morning’,

Or ‘Are we ready for a bath’, or ‘Are we hungry?’

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

‘My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. ‘

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.’

The nurse fainted..........
I just smiled.

[SMOKNAC]

Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.

[SMOKNAC]

Subject: They walk among us.....

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again . . . same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL They Vote!

[SMOKNAC]

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "Completely finished.” His answer received a five-minute standing ovation.

[SMOKNAC]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder-head from the engine of a car he was repairing, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his workshop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working under the bonnet.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.'

So how come I make $25 grand a year and you make $500 grand when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...


'Try doing it with the engine running.'

[bliss]

Sleeping in could easily be my superpower, if not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
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It's amazing the things you'll do for a person when you want to see them naked.
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Hey guys, the best time to propose at a restaurant is right after you order, but before you pull up to the window.
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Comcast is doing home security now...

so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there next Tuesday between the hours of 12 and 4pm.
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I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping just short of the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this inconvenience. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[bliss]

"In sign language... the story of my life can be told through a series of face-palms."

"Due to heavy fog, my brain has been grounded until further notice."

"I'm single by choice, not my choice..."

"Boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume."

"I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy or the best looking guy, but...oh hell, now I'm depressed."

"My doctor ordered me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, actually he said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant."

[bliss]

Women:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat-race, you're a male chauvinist

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with
low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an
insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you,
it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear,
you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape,
you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!
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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.
Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his unit.
"He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his member.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
______

Appropriate joke for this time of year...

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is
tossing a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they
walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and
the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts
panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable
man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks
up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and
places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way
across the market.

Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and
squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the
father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying: "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a
doctor?"

"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue
Service."
;-)

[bliss]

A man had some trouble lasting during sex.

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[bliss]

Life would be perfect if:
Anger had a mute button,
Mistake had a back button,
Hard times had a fast forward button
&
Good times had a pause button.
_____

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being
a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said,
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says,
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
_____

A kid had sex with his teacher....

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."
_____

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought.... It wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital
_____

My wife and I had words last night, but I never got to use mine.
_____

I do what the little voices in my wife's head tell me to do.
_____

Technically, Humpty Dumpty was a crackhead.
_____

Beer is a gateway drug to aspirin.
_____

[bliss]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! - This is unforgivable?? the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation............... She never got your email!"
_____

Daughter...

"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad...

"You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
_____

Just passing....

[bliss]

It was my birthday last week. My wife asked me if I wanted oral sex or a new pair of shoes. I went head over heels.
_____

A friend of mine has a trophy wife. She obviously didn't win first place.
_____

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there - so he'd see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is expensive.
_____

Sorta funny....

[bliss]

The other day I was thinking....

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I am neither for nor against apathy.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height ... which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help groups?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[bliss]

Hooters Calendar 2015

The judge looked down at the attractive plaintiff.
"You claim that the defendant stole your money from your stocking?"
"That's right, Your Honour,"
"Well, why didn't you resist?"
The girl blushed and lowered her eyes. "I didn't know he was after my money, Your Honour."
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