Jokes

[bliss]

I know some of you old folks have been wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends”.

Well here is the low down on the whole thing:

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug'em and Pamper ‘em.

When old people do it, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

Hope that was helpful.
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Just remember:

Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.
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You can always spot a guy who masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. One of them will have a wedding ring on it.
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I was diagnosed with anti-social behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

[bliss]

An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.

The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem.

The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone.

The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"

The husband replies "He says you were speeding!" The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer." The officer goes on; "License and registration please." The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"

The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go." The officer inspects her license and comments, "Ah, you're from Brownsville. I'll never forget that city... I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!" The wife once more turns to her right and yells "What'd he say!!?"

The husband replies "He says he knows you."
_____

Meanwhile, in several States.....

Nothing illegal going on here....

[bliss]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"


The girl replied in a very loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded in a very loud voice, "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S ROBBERY!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear, "I study law and I know how to screw people. Have A Great Day!"
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Twelve things that a motorcycle can teach us!

1. The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rear view mirror.
2. Four wheels might move the body but two wheels move the soul.
3. I'd rather be riding my motorcycle and thinking about God than sitting in Church and thinking about my motorcycle.
4. Life may begin at 30, but it doesn't get really interesting until about 125 mph.
5. Midnight bugs taste just as bad as noontime bugs.
6. Sometimes it takes a whole tank of gas before you can think straight.
7. A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
8. Young riders pick a destination and go, old riders pick a direction and go.
9. When you are riding lead, don't spit.
10. Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at 75 mph can double your vocabulary.
11. I've never seen a motorcycle parked outside a psychiatrist's office.
12. Bikers know why dogs stick their heads out car windows.
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gives him two options: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be face up or face down.

So the mathematician says "Well, they all arrive at the equivalent state of beheading, so it's an arbitrary choice. I suppose I'll take no hood and face down, since it's the simplest solution."

So they lock him into the guillotine, the executioner drops the blade... and it stops inches from his neck.

The priest exclaims "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! He must be let free!"

The King agrees, pardons the mathematician, and lets him go.

Next up to be killed is the physicist. He is given the same options: hood on or off; face up or face down.

So the physicist thinks, and says "Well, I've spent my whole life looking up at the stars and studying them... but it's broad daylight. I will take the hood to make it dark like night, and face up towards the Heavens."

So they lock him into the guillotine, the executioner drops the blade... and it stops inches from his neck.

The priest exclaims again "It's a sign from God! This man is innocent! He must be let free!"

The King agrees, pardons the physicist, and lets him go.

Finally, it's the engineer's turn to face the guillotine. He's given the same options: hood on or off; face up or down.

The engineer ponders, and says "I've spent my whole life studying machines and mechanical devices. If I am to be killed by the most efficient killing machine of all time, then I will look at its workings while I die! Hood off and face up!"

So they lock him into the guillotine, and the executioner is about to drop the blade, when the engineer exclaims: "I see the problem!"

[bliss]

I'm not saying she's like my mom... but my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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Inflation....

A wrinkled little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner in Chicago for a dollar a piece. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a dollar. He never took a pretzel.

This went on for three years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the pretzel stand and left his usual offering, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time.

"They're a dollar and a quarter now."
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[bliss]

[bliss]

I was looking through the microscope at my wife's DNA and I thought, "These genes make her look fat."
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I love a girl with a trimmed bush. It makes it easier to look into her window at night.
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Sometimes my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her blouse during our lunch break the other day when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."
_____

I wake up with wood, my wife wakes up with wouldn't.
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The reason women ask so many questions: They have an extra "why" chromosome."
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The postman left me a card today to let me know my package was too large. I like compliments.
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A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad.

[bliss]

Is you got the blues?

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch ... ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues : (a) highway; (b) jailhouse; (c) empty bed; (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.

11. Bad places for the Blues: (a) Nordstrom's (b) Gallery openings (c) Ivy League institutions; (d) Golf courses.

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: (a) You're older than dirt; (b) You're blind; (c) You shot a man in Memphis ; (d) You can't be satisfied. No, if: (a) You have all your teeth; (b) You once were blind but now can see; (c) The man in Memphis lived; (d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) Cheap wine; (b) Whiskey or bourbon; (c) Muddy water; (d) Black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) Perrier; (b) Chardonnay; (c) Snapple (d) Slim Fast.

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama; (c) Bessie; (d) Fat River Dumpling.

18. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie; (d) Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis .

20. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); (b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.); (c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

[bliss]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa.

Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front.

The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright."

The other tiger says "sorry" and they continue on their way. After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action.

The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"

The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action.

The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop."

The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
_____

Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple.

The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yourself up a bit.
_____

I took a chick to my place last night.

The next morning she woke me up, holding up a picture. "Is this your wife?" she frowned.

"Yes, it is," I replied. "She passed away."

"How sad," she sighed. "How did your sons take it?"

"I haven't told them yet," I replied. "They stayed at their Grandma's last night."

[bliss]

[bliss]

A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L. A. Nightspot when
a mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed on over to where he was seated.
She said,

"Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."

"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."
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The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal,
and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this William Wagenhoss"
(not sounding anything like my name), so I said "who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband Powered Freezer
company (or something like that) and then I asked him if he knew
William personally and why was he calling this number. Then I said off to the
side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood," then I
turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a
murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced
this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the
dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before
he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were
given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position
at his work place and the police were entering the building to take
him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the
scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming
down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen
minutes.

My meal was cold, but it was very enjoyable.
_____

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As train rolled out of station, woman sitting next to him pulled out mobile phone and started talking in loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue, I'm on train". "Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had long meeting. No, honey, not with Kevin from accounting office, It was with boss. Sweetheart, you're only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. Man sitting next to her had enough, leaned over and said into her phone, "Sue, hang up phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use mobile phone in public any longer.

[bliss]

Cold weather can cause fights over control of the thermostat.

I like to keep the house cool, at 65 degrees, but my wife likes to
keep it at 70 degrees.

So, we compromise, and keep it at 70 degrees.
_____

I ran into my ex the other day. Then I put it in reverse and ran into her again.
_____

My wife of twenty years told me she has been faking orgasms every time we've had sex. I can't believe she faked it not once, but twice.
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Politics: poli, a Latin word meaning "many"; and tics, meaning "blood sucking creatures."
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If guns kill people.................................then spoons make people fat.
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Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
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[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

_____

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal,
and as I answered it I was greeted with " is this William Wagenhoss"
(not sounding anything like my name), so I said "who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband Powered Freezer
company (or something like that) and then I asked him if he knew
William personally and why was he calling this number. Then I said off to the
side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood," then I
turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a
murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced
this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the
dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before
he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were
given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position
at his work place and the police were entering the building to take
him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the
scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming
down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen
minutes.

My meal was cold, but it was very enjoyable.
_____

The original: http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j...96041959,d.b2w

[bliss]

Offroading...

[SMOKNAC]

THE SMALL BROWN BOTTLE

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle.

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead.

Confused?

[bliss]

Sex quiz for men.....


1. In the company of females,
Intercourse should be referred to as:

A) lovemaking
B) screwing
C) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

A) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B) Your blood-test results
C) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A) Your partner climaxes first
B) You both climax simultaneously
C) You don't miss Sports-Centre


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A) Healthy, creative love-play
B) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
C) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A) The best part of the experience
B) The second best part of the experience
C) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

A) No concern of yours
B) Not a problem, she can join your gym
C) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A) A myth
B) An oxymoron
C) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A) Appetizer is to entree
B) Primer is to paint
C) A line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

A) "I hope we can still be friends."
B) "I'm not in right now,
Please leave a message at the beep."
C) "Welcome to Dumpsville,
Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A) Probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
B) Is uptight and a waste of time
C) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered "a" more than 7 times,
Check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times,
Check into therapy,
You're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times...
"YOU DA MAN!