Jokes

[bliss]

I can't remember the last time I heard a good Alzheimer's joke.
_____

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.
_____

My niece miscarried last night. She really needs to brush up on her long division skills.
_____

There was a piece of cake in the fridge and a note on it saying "Don't eat me." I left an empty plate with my own note: "I don't take orders from a cake."
_____

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
_____

[bliss]

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak...

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

"I'm not selling..."
_____

PUNS intended...

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
But he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
And was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
Prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
You'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
During a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

[bliss]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.

I’ll see you back in court Monday.

“On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? “

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your as$hole before prison..................”

[bliss]

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer.

Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat - because hacking up a fat woman into tiny pieces is A LOT more work.
_____

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil I still don't know how much she charged him though.
_____

A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.
There were two sheriffs there. He asked them if there was a problem.

One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and is a good cook too."
_____

[bliss]

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing , archery , and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"
_____

[SMOKNAC]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great,” he replied; “But I still think my thumb’s broken!”

****

[SMOKNAC]

And God Looked Down.

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

“Pain is Inevitable, Misery is Optional”

[bliss]

I'm getting slower in my old age. My wife asked me to help her move some furniture and it took me 20 minutes to think of an excuse.
_____