Jokes

[bliss]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.

I’ll see you back in court Monday.

“On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? “

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your as$hole before prison..................”

[bliss]

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer.

Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat - because hacking up a fat woman into tiny pieces is A LOT more work.
_____

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil I still don't know how much she charged him though.
_____

A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.
There were two sheriffs there. He asked them if there was a problem.

One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and is a good cook too."
_____

[bliss]

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing , archery , and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"
_____

[SMOKNAC]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great,” he replied; “But I still think my thumb’s broken!”

****

[SMOKNAC]

And God Looked Down.

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

“Pain is Inevitable, Misery is Optional”

[bliss]

I'm getting slower in my old age. My wife asked me to help her move some furniture and it took me 20 minutes to think of an excuse.
_____

[bliss]

Airborne approximately thirty minutes, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!"
_____

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

He answered : "12 children.”

The agent asked "Where are the others?'

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother.”

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
_____

When it comes to affairs of the heart, I try to avoid EMT's, electric paddles, and the word "Clear."
_____

I told my wife the truth - That I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth - she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.
_____

[bliss]

We had random drugs testing at work today…

but couldn't decide which one was best.
_____

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year…

only 13 to go.
_____

Asked my girlfriend to act like a “naughty school girl”…

so she forged a note from her mom saying she didn’t have to participate.
_____

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
_____

What is the capital of Greece?

About $10.
_____

Great punt return....

[bliss]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
_____

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

[SMOKNAC]

I was at a car show on Saturday, and a guy walks up and said: I will never look at a Cobra the same way after this Bill Cosby scandal.

[bliss]

A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!"
_____



McDonalds…

Closing thigh gaps since the 1940's.
____

[bliss]

Looking forward to hunting season but I do have a question.

If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim that the buck wasn't really a buck? I mean, maybe he'd always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male. Yet on the inside he'd always known he was truly female.

I'm just wondering if the game wardens will buy it.

Our society and the Supreme Court does!

_____

Boarding planes in Israel!

...What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the 'spare'
seat announcement!!
It's hard to beat Israeli technology!

TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security
device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but
will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of
this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of
long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you
hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce
a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

BRILLIANT !
_____

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
_____

[bliss]

THE ORIGINAL TEXT

Hi Bob. This is Alan next door. I'm sorry, buddy, but I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.

THE REACTION

Bob, feeling enraged and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to contemplate his next move. He took out his phone to make the call to the police and saw he had another message.

THE SECOND TEXT

Hi Bob. This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.
_____

[bliss]

My wife just had plastic surgery....

I cut up all her credit cards!
_____

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odor.

On my last two dates the woman sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
_____

Girls mature faster than guys…

Men don’t usually develop breasts until their 50’s or 60’s.
_____

Minimization...

[Buzz]

Downsizing!

[Jaydee]

Still trying to get my tongue of the floor.
JD

[bliss]

At the root of every gray hair, there is a dead brain cell.
Someone had to remind me, So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh..... It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 & beyond!
...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge..

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER,NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

[bliss]

Facebook, in Real Life.

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and, I tell them I love them and, it works! I already have 6 people following me:

- 2 police officers;
- a psychiatrist;
- and a staff of 3 from the local Insane Asylum's Ambulance-Capture-Crew.
_____

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.* Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,*"For*God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"*
_____

A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a dozen Viagra pills.
The pharmacist asks, "Do you have a prescription?"
He replies: "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
_____

"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to
give BJ.

Every morning when I get to work I get a BJ. She gives me a
quick one before I leave for lunch.

And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued.

"I service her every morning when we get up.

I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we
have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate, I get these dizzy spells."
_____

More than anything else, doughnuts have contributed to my personal growth.
_____

Are you a real pilot?

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[bliss]

Somebody knocks on door:
Who is there? Police?
What do you want? We want to talk.
How many of you are there? Two.
So talk with each other.
_____

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

[bliss]

This is how fast the space probe is......





It's that time of the month when my wife is miserable and you can't go anywhere near her. She'll be okay in a few days though: that's when I get paid.
_____

My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That's OK with me - it meant I could stop pretending I cared.
_____

Assisted suicide ?

Oh, you mean marriage.
_____