Jokes

[bliss]

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer.

Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat - because hacking up a fat woman into tiny pieces is A LOT more work.
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My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil I still don't know how much she charged him though.
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A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.
There were two sheriffs there. He asked them if there was a problem.

One of the sheriffs asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and is a good cook too."
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[bliss]

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing , archery , and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"
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[SMOKNAC]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great,” he replied; “But I still think my thumb’s broken!”

****

[SMOKNAC]

And God Looked Down.

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

“Pain is Inevitable, Misery is Optional”

[bliss]

I'm getting slower in my old age. My wife asked me to help her move some furniture and it took me 20 minutes to think of an excuse.
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[bliss]

Airborne approximately thirty minutes, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!"
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A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have?”

He answered : "12 children.”

The agent asked "Where are the others?'

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother.”

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
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When it comes to affairs of the heart, I try to avoid EMT's, electric paddles, and the word "Clear."
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I told my wife the truth - That I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth - she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.
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[bliss]

We had random drugs testing at work today…

but couldn't decide which one was best.
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year…

only 13 to go.
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Asked my girlfriend to act like a “naughty school girl”…

so she forged a note from her mom saying she didn’t have to participate.
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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
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What is the capital of Greece?

About $10.
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Great punt return....