Jokes

[95CobraR]

Great stuff.

I loved the Yogi quotes.

[bliss]

Fact data.....

http://Years You Have Left to Live, Probably...

McDonald's Straws Are Designed to Mimic the Experience of Breastfeeding

[bliss]

[SMOKNAC]

My point exactly

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[bliss]

[bliss]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

If women are so wonderful at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?
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If one door closes & another door opens…

you’re probably in prison.
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I surprised my wife last night during sex with a little maneuver I like to call "coming home early."
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[bliss]

Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.”

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“My God,” said Joe, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.”

“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant, “We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it’s the box office.”
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English can be weird....

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word, That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead -- For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat… They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not the moth in mother, Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there, Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,

And then there’s dose and rose and lose -- Just look them up -- and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart, Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Why, sakes alive! I’d learned to speak it when I was five.

And yet, to write it, the more I tried, I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five

[bliss]

Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.

Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too.
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My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually, so today I drove past the gym.
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[bliss]

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation..

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

[bliss]

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "Would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes," Says the artist.

"It's worthless," Says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
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A Cardiologist died and had an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stool behind his casket during the service.

Following the Eulogy the heart opened the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart closed sealing the cardiologist inside forever.

At that point on of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes were staring at him he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral, I am a gynecologist!"

The proctologist fainted.

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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
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I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

[bliss]

I told my dog to play dead, so he jumped up on my wife's side of the bed and just laid there.
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I taught my dog to beg.

He came home yesterday with twenty-six dollars.
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[bliss]

The teacher asked her students to give examples of using the word
beautiful twice in the same sentence. Mary held up her hand.

"My mother made a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"That's very good," the teacher said, "anyone else?"

Lois volunteered with "I picked some beautiful flowers and made a beautiful bouquet."

"Very good," the teacher said. "Anyone else?"

Johnny held up his hand. The teacher hesitated, but then decided to let him speak.

Johnny said:"When my sister said she was pregnant, my father said, 'beautiful, just f***ing beautiful'".
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[bliss]

Funny how women say we need to talk, when they really mean you need to listen.
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If I’ve learned anything in life...

it’s that not enough people are at a loss for words.
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Want his attention? Send nudes.

Want to piss him off? When he responds, reply "Oops, wrong person"
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Dear couples who fight in public...

Stop trying to whisper, and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.
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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
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[bliss]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
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[bliss]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.


He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached
into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"


"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."
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Stats show the average person has sex 89 times per year....

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

[bliss]

I've decided women are like gremlins.....

....they start out cute, quirky, and fun to play with, but the first time you get them wet they multiply and terrorize you for the rest of your life.
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[bliss]

Amazing word lesson

This is the best, most Interesting English lesson I have had to date.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?

And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking bungholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?

[bliss]

My buddy thought his vasectomy...

would keep his wife from getting pregnant.​

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
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What a pregnant teen thinks:

My mom is gonna kill me. What the fetus thinks: My mom is gonna kill me.
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