Jokes

[bliss]

My wife and I decided to go on an organized trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just few miles north of the station.

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English!

The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us.

My wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress, as all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burkas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave our group leader, ushered us off the train and around the corner from the Minneapolis Train Station to the Greyhound terminal, where we continued our journey safely to The Minneapolis International Airport.
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[bliss]

Astute Observations...

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”

I don't do drugs anymore. I find I get the same effect just by standing up quickly.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing;
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
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[bliss]

Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
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A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum

cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.

''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove

all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[cycleguy55]

In honour of Thanksgiving for our U.S. friends - the famous / infamous WKRP in Cincinnati turkey drop video:
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg[/ame]

[cycleguy55]

Lexus of Orlando brake job advertisement:



Doesn't inspire much confidence, does it?

[bliss]

Originally Posted by cycleguy55

In honour of Thanksgiving for our U.S. friends - the famous / infamous WKRP in Cincinnati turkey drop video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg

You know, turkeys can fly, right? We have wild turkeys flying around here all the time.

[bliss]

She's single... She's shapely... She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!
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[bliss]

[bliss]

Donating blood in Scotland

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
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My wife said she wanted to make me happy in the bedroom. So now the bedroom has a 65-inch LED TV, a fridge full of beer, and she sleeps on the couch.
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[bliss]

GED' S best answers.....

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’
A. The cesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head.

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

[bliss]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out dere).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teet and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised.

He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teet, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teet, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the teet, and the cow farts.

Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din't yah?"

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip and he replies, "Yah, dat’s right. But how'd yah know?"

Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."
_____

[bliss]

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
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[bliss]

I wish they did come with a warning.....

[bliss]

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”
_____



Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."

Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
_____

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
_____

[bliss]

While waiting in a slow moving line at Starbucks, I decided to conduct some "profiling".

My conclusion was that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits, while people who order a quad-shot, non-fat, decaf soy mocca java latte grande with light foam and caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.
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I was in the “Texas Rose” tavern last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a big, butt-ugly heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, I dig old guys — how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do”.

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday
_____

[bliss]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, it can be a real ***** to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot (trunk) increases, but say that the paint may just make it look bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.
_____

[bliss]

I accidentally called a phone sex line for married people. There was just a long, uncomfortable silence until a woman's voice said: "Hurry up, I need to check the casserole."
_____

[bliss]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
_____

[bliss]

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators.

The crusty old-timer Captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.

He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his Co-Pilot.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
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[kanuck]

Dean