Jokes

[bliss]

A four year old came home from Sunday School one day, His Dad asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The Mom cracked up and told the son, "Yes, my dear Actually the word is circumcised... but either way, the answer is Yes!
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Child: "Am I descended from a monkey?

Mother: "I don't know. I never met your father's family."
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What is the ideal weight for a Mother in law?

About 2.3lbs, including the urn.
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[bliss]

Professional stunt cat....



Knock, knock....

[bliss]

Quickies.....

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

I threw a boomerang a couple of years ago.
I now live in constant fear.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It is a shame that they will never meet.

Someone stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about it.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I'm OK.
______

Meanings:

Mirage a Trois - act of having sex with two imaginary people.

Dijon Vu - the feeling you've tasted this mustard before.

Bone Voyage - an archaelogical trip.

Haste Cuisine - French fast food.

Et Tu Brute - I like your aftershave.

Posh Mortem - death styles of the rich and famous.

Ad Hoc - pawn shop advertisement.

Latte: Latin for "you paid too much for that coffee."

Cogito Ergo Spud - I think therefore I yam.

Zit alors! - my God, what a pimple.

[bliss]

My goal for 2016 is to lose just 10 pounds. Only got 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really, just one big,
round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. OK, FINE, it was a
pizza!

How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking face first into a spider
web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20
minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they
closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....
Hmmmmm, I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 80. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so
I woke up and searched with him.
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[bliss]

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first. The nurse says: "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says: "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
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Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"
Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"
Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."
_____

3 friends golf every Friday.

One day they get paired with a beautiful beautiful woman.

On the 18th hole the woman is on the green waiting to putt. She turns to the group of men and says "If I sink this 25 foot putt I will shoot under par for the first time ever. Whoever helps me will be awarded with a night of crazy wild sex."

The first guy says "aim it left a foot outside the hole"
The second guy says "No, no, it is definitely a little right of the hole"

Everyone looks at the third guy. He walks behind the ball, looks at the hole, and finally says "That's a gimme" and picks up the ball.
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The new Marine Corps....

[bliss]

Doctor: "Have you ever been bedridden?"

Old lady: "Yes, hundreds of times....................and I've been had over a kitchen table a few times too."
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I know I'm getting old.

Nowadays, when I squeeze into a tight parking space, I'm sexually satisfied for the day.
_____

I'm at that age where I want two women in bed. That way, when I fall asleep, they'll have someone to talk to.
_____

Everything's finally starting to click for me...

my knees, my elbows, my neck, my ankles.............
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[bliss]

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her "Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"
Without skipping a beat she answers "Yes!"
The man then asks "What about for $20?"
She looks at him sideways and says "What do you think I am, a whore?"
The man says "We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
_____

The first part of my marriage was very happy.

Then, on the way back from the ceremony...............................
_____

Fred: "I'm a man of few words."
Bob: "I'm married too."
_____

What did the wife do when she saw her husband staggering around the backyard? She reloaded.
_____

I've just been given two weeks to live.

My wife and her lady friend left for vacation today.
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[SMOKNAC]

SAFE AT LAST!!!

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on ebay any more) tossed the "Don't Tread On Me" flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door. I gave the pit bull to my mother in law and stored my A K.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

Instead of all that silly stuff I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family. When we shop or travel everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

Hot Damn - Safe at last - Is America getting greater every day or what?

[bliss]

The Confessional

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The priest asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'

The priest says, 'How many times?'

And the woman replies, 'Three.'

Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no
more.'

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'

'What did you do?'

‘I committed adultery.'

'How many times?'

'Three times.'

The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'

The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'

The woman replies, 'Once.'

The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'

[bliss]

A guy was driving down the highway with his blond girlfriend when she said to him, 'I think those people in the car next to us are from another country.

'Why is that?' he said.

'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, ...'stit ruoy su wohs'.
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[Dominik]

My mate and I, about 30 years old, are cruising along Ft. Lauderdale during spring brake.
Shouts a girl from inside the car next to us: Urg, you could be our dads! - I reply, maybe we are??

[bliss]

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?
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We should have used these back in the day when everything was allowed to be posted in the lounge.....

[bliss]

I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back.
Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning...
I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"

Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after just showing up.
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A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her friend about her and her mother's conversation. The friend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old."
Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted.
She asks, "Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"
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[bliss]

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.

She was gorgeous!

Just as we were about to head out to the restaurant, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
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[bliss]

Difference between 850 vs 10,000 hp

Most Honest Viper Craigslist Ad Ever



Okay. Full disclosure. I almost killed myself in it.

It is VERY powerful. Extremely, EXTREMELY fast.

I’ve driven Ferrari’s that don’t feel as crazy as this thing. I am frankly afraid of it now.
That’s right. It’s in my garage and I’m afraid to drive it because it’s like a crazy steroid bull that wants to kill me.

I’ve done 130 mph on a Ducati while laughing into the face of death. The viper is a completely different bowl of crack. The engine sounds like 40 pit bulls eating kittens while lifting weights.

I cannot truly explain it’s power. It has whiplash acceleration in 3rd gear at 50mph. That sentence doesn’t even make sense. But it’s true.

That’s why I’m telling you. I will not have your soul on my conscience.

You need to know what you are getting into. What insane level of crazy you are buying.
Can you resist the urge to mash down the accelerator? Can you? Because it’s like owning your own demon. A demon that wants to kill you. We all know one person that for the right amount of money would kill you. But since no one is paying, they smile in your face and go about their day.

It’s like that except the Viper doesn’t bother to ever pretend it doesn’t want to kill you.

And it will do it for free.

Some brilliant engineer designed a beautiful sexy bulging body, fantastic suspension, great handling, aerodynamics, and all American style. While he was out on his lunch break, some demented maniac dropped 100 times more engine power than necessary into it and sent it out the door. It’s mentally unbalanced.

Look,
If you are the type of person that can be talked into having one more drink at midnight when you have a very important presentation or interview early the next morning, then the Viper is not for you.

The whole car is constantly whispering sweet lies to you.
“You got this”.
“Open me up and ride free, you got this”
“What are you a *****?”
“Just do it”, “Do it”, “you got this”.

Do not do it. You don’t got it. You ARE in fact a *****. And as we all know, ***** is mad good. But not that good.
You will sit on the curb and settle your heart after it tries to kill you the first time.
You will get back inside and it will immediately get back to the business of trying to get you to let it murder you.
“You got this. This time you know. That last time was just a fluke. You ain’t no *****”.

Repeat after me.
You
Don’t
Got
This.

But for $30k you can look the devil in the eye and take this ride.

You were warned.

[bliss]

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as the one for living in California. - When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.

I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man... WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...
I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.

Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.

It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye; unless you're Stevie Wonder, then it's just ironic.

“Do you have anything with 3-5 pounds of rhinestones on the butt?”
—Upper-middle class ladies shopping for jeans

Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird.

Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don't want to get up and find the remote.

"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.

Steven Wright Quotes.....

1- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[bliss]

Irony.....

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"Well, then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!

You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

[bliss]

[bliss]

I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.
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Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
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Don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" It felt good.
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I've been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I'm about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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A man is walking down his street and sees a friend sitting in his front yard all alone, looking bummed.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asks.
The friend says, “I screwed up on one of those questions wives ask, and now I am so deep in the doghouse, I’ll never get out.”
“What question?” the first guy asks.
She asked me, “When I’m old, fat, and ugly, will you still love me?”
“Heck, that’s easy," the first guy replied. "You just tell her, 'Of course you will.'”
“Yeah,” says the friend, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was ‘Of course I do.’”
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Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes — all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: “We’re all shocked; we never knew we had a library.”

[bliss]

A teacher calls her first grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."