Jokes

[bliss]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
_____

If I got kidnapped I'd continuously sing Kanye West songs until they killed me, I'd die, but at least they'd suffer too.
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In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
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[bliss]

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move, as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived, but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea - he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the real estate agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have ?"

He answered, "12 children."

The agent asked, "And where are they now?"

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "11 of them are in the cemetery with their mother."

And that is the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

Moral: it is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie... They are great!!!
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[Anthony]

that is a lie. and that's why lawyers are scum !!!!

[bliss]

Water in the carburetor.....

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous?"

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool"
_____

A happily married man: One who understands every word his wife didn't say.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

Wedding whoops

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and speak, or to forever hold their peace.
This moment of utter silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying a baby.
She stood up and started walking slowly toward the pastor standing at the altar.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The grooms-men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, “Please tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “We can’t hear you in the back of the church!”

[bliss]

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time.
Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend.
As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase.
"Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend.

However, this startles her so that she drops the vase and the ashes and broken vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

[bliss]

I found a new way to stop my wife from picking up bad habits or doing anything that annoys me, I just have to say..






..."this is turning me on"
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[bliss]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
_____

[bliss]

I think Women should come with a Carfax report listing previous owners,
mileage, needed maintenance & expenses...
_____

The Ford Escort was named after Henry Ford's love for high-priced hookers. Ironically, you'll have to pay for sex if you drive one.
_____

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn't matter. So I got it in Detroit.
______

[SMOKNAC]

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."

[bliss]

Can any one say the difference between complete and finished?
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.
Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.'
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

[bliss]

What happens when you become old,,,,,

1. Going to bed early
2. Not leaving my house.
3. Not going to a party.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

[bliss]

At a job interview....

[bliss]

My wife goes shopping to see things she can't afford and imagine what it would be like to have them. Same reason I go to the topless bar.
_____

Me: "The problem is that obesity runs in our family."
Doctor: "No, the problem is that no one runs in your family."
_____

I askeed myi doctoar whaat miy probleam waas...
Hee toald mee I haave Irritable Vowiel Syndroam.
_____

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion!
His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband's mobile.

"Hello My Love," I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a long period of silence.
I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, please come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

This is what they call, "a senior moment."

[bliss]

Not a joke, just something very cool and amazing.....

Night-time dive near Hawaii, 2 divers were found by a bottle-nose dolphin and it started to swim around them over and over again. When looking closer, one of them discovered the reason for this strange behavior - the dolphin had a fishing line hooked around it, hindering its ability to swim.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/2gvgkHSyKFE

[bliss]

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why horror flick killers target teenagers.
_____

My wife wears a French maid's outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
_____

Lots of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
_____

After the eighty-seven-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?
And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently,
"If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times....What we have is Blue Cross!"
_____

My wife just left me after saying I think about football more than her. I was devastated. I've been with her for the past 25 seasons.
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[bliss]

Ladies, if he tells you he's 6 feet & 3 inches…make sure those aren't two separate measurements.
_____

A clown sighting at the office this morning… but it turns out Karen put her makeup on in the car again.
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting… but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense?
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Q: How do you milk sheep?

A: Release a new iPhone.
_____

Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there."

When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"
_____

On my deathbed, I want to leave this world surrounded by a beautiful, loving family. So I've told my real one to stay away.
_____

Life lesson: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
_____

I asked my daughter's new boyfriend where he got his education.

"Yale", he said.

I was pretty impressed and told him so.

His reply was, "Thanks, I yust got out in Yanuary."

[SMOKNAC]

Testicle Therapy?

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[bliss]

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

If I was Snow White you'd never be able to kill me with an apple...you'd have to poison an eclair or something.

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn't have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.

Tell me I'm beautiful
"You're beautiful"
Tell me I'm a genius
"You're a genius"
Tell m-
"Just give me the toilet paper, please”

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada.

I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer.”

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

"Sure, you could bury it but hear me out."
Taxidermy is invented.

FLOTUS is an unfortunate acronym, like something left in the toilet bowl.

I'm tired and want to sleep, but I can't stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down.

Sorry I reported your newborn's pic on Facebook, but nudity is nudity.

So we're on for next Friday? Perfect. I'll call you Thursday to reschedule.

Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

"Do not iron" Like that was ever going to happen.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.

[doing an identification at the coroner's office]
It's not her; my wife has a head.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?”
And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you."

I learned two important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

I just answered two Jeopardy questions in a row. This must be what Einstein must have felt like.

Turns out my date had a lot of pizzazz, not pizzas. I've never been more disappointed.

Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.

[bliss]

Once upon a time a Submariner asked a beautiful princess: "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!!!"

And the Submariner lived happily ever after and visited exotic ports all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted horny "ladies" and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan Rum and never heard b****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at sea and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

- The End
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Now that I'm 'Older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered.

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter -- I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE posted this OR NOT!!!

20. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.