Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat,
my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had
TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical and dental coverage."


I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"


"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, I just got out of prison."
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Plan G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.

The plan gives anyone 65 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

[bliss]

Size Matters !


A recent Cosmopolitan magazine survey of women says:... Size matters

Women's response to:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than it.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger !

6 inches - perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow ! But can’t have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches!

But I love the way you think!
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Reflections

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

I don't need any anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child, I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!
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[bliss]

[bliss]

This happened to an Englishman visiting in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alco-test (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows, that under French Law, why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No sir, I do not! But while you're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side?"
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Very few things upset my wife...................So I feel pretty special being one of them.
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[bliss]

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.
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[bliss]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
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[cycleguy55]

You know you have too much horsepower when:
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 zone but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6:00 AM.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 MPH.

[bliss]

If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion sometime.
_____

Who picks up a seeing eye dog's poop?
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A man brandishing a gun walks into a crowded bar and yells out, "Who's been sleeping with my wife?"

A few moments later, a man in the back yells back, "You don't have enough bullets!"
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Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
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I'm getting slower in my old age.

My wife asked me to help her move some furniture and it took me twenty minutes to think of an excuse.
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My wife left after she caught me wearing her favorite dress. I said, "Please don't go, I can change."
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As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. That's why they start running.
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[bliss]

[bliss]

Most women need a little reassurance.

For example, when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?"…reassure her that you do not.
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The lady I'm married to has accused me of being impersonal.
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My wife is allergic to peanuts.

She breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.
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"Say hello to my little friend."

Great film quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
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A shouting mother-in-law....................

The original surround sound.
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A blonde enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
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My girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. When I put my ear to it I could smell the ocean.
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[bliss]

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once.
I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met.
She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."
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[bliss]

Optimism: The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a threesome.
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First it's one little white lie.

Then they get easier and easier to tell. The next thing you know, you're a lawyer.
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I don't think playing catch with my grandkid was the problem so much as the fact that I kept dropping him.
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What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed; they're no longer thick and insensitive.
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How are men like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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Why do men marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

Let the voicemail get it.
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Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

[bliss]

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.
The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
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At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.
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[bliss]

Bubba gets pulled over for speeding.

Bubba: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Bubba: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Bubba: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Bubba: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Bubba: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Bubba: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Bubba: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You what?

Bubba: Killed the owner, I had to self- defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

The Officer looks at Bubba and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Bubba steps out of the vehicle.

Bubba: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

Bubba: Killed the owner?

Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

Bubba: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

Bubba digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

Bubba: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.

[bliss]

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.

[bliss]

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
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The furniture store keeps calling me to come back.

But all I wanted was that one night stand.
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If a man speaks in the forest
and there is no woman there
to hear…
Is he still wrong?

[bliss]

How women think.....

Husband's text Message:

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot.

Wife's Response:

"Who's Paula?"
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Judge: "You understand that you have sworn, to tell the truth?"
Me: "I do."
Judge: "You understand what happens if you commit perjury?"
Me: "My side wins?"
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[bliss]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."

She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like all the barking!"
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
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[BAsque1]