Jokes

[bliss]

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
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Guy science:

The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
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When does a woman want a man's company?

When he owns it.
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A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop, however, is a riddle lover and tells the man that he would be free to go without a ticket if he solved his riddle correctly.

The man accepted, and the cop told him: "you're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side, you see two lights coming towards you. What is it?" "Why, a car" immediately answers the man. "You needed to be more precise", says the cop, "it could have been a Land Rover, an Opel, an Audi... Sorry, but I have to fine you."

A bit sad, but still convinced that if the riddles were this simple he could solve a different one, the man asks for a rematch. The cop accepts and asks him: "You're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the opposite side, you see one light coming towards you. What is it?" "Well, it's most certainly a motorbike" answers the man. "You needed to be more precise" again says the cop, "it could have been a Yamaha, a Kawasaki, a BMW... I'll have to fine you."

"Okay, go on. But I would like to tell you a riddle as well." "Let's hear it." "You're on a dark road, late in the evening. On the sidewalk, you see a semi-naked woman. What is it?" "Well, it's definitely a prostitute." "You needed to be more precise", said the man, "it could have been your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife..."
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My wife told me she wants to have sex in the back seat of our car. She wants me to drive.
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The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[SMOKNAC]

Couples Therapy, part 217

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”