Jokes

[bliss]

As I was getting into bed, she said, "You’re drunk."
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
_____

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar and asks " is this stool taken?"
_____

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in...

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress her?

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
_____

[bliss]

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Rayed instead.

"Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs just received a huge dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"
_____

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different
NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert,
what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat.
_____

[bliss]

Sven came home to his apartment one night, all Upset. "Dat yanitor, vot a bragger. He says he's made love to every voman in dis building except one."
"Hmmph," said his wife. "Must be that snooty Mrs.Johnson on the second floor."
_____

If drinks could talk;

Coffee – You can do this!
Wine—You don’t have to do this!
Tequila – Holy sh!t! Did you really just do that ?!!!

[bliss]

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
_____

Ya know...

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, “What brings you in today?”

I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond.

Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it ‘Pumping Rust.’

When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write,‘An ambulance.’

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’ and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells ‘Theirs…’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care.
_____

On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."
"Grow up," she replied.
"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."
"Stop p!ssing about," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

[bliss]

Perfect 50's.....



I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.

It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.

If you like her, you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”
_____

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.
_____

My wife said yesterday....

"I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but I still fit into the earrings I wore in high school."
_____

[bliss]

1) Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella - That's Faith.

2) When you throw a baby in the air she laughs because she knows you will catch her - That's Trust.

3) Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still, we set the alarm to wake up - That's Hope.

4) We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties - That's Confidence.

5) We see the world suffering. We know there is a possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still, we get married - That's Over Confidence.
_____

Two High Court lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

One attorney said to the other, "Our secretary is so young, pretty and naive that she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys.
Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."
_____

A hotel guest called the front desk, and the clerk answered, "May I help you?"

The guest said, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to the room right away. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but that's really a personal problem."

The guest replied, "Listen, Buddy, the window won't open, and that's a maintenance problem."
_____

[bliss]

I was attacked by a woman in an elevator.
I was in the elevator when she got in.
I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,
"Could you press one for me please”.
So I did... and I don't remember much afterward,
but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.
_____

Men are happier......

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

EATING OUT
*When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
*A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
*A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
*A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

*The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
*A woman has the last word in any argument.
*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
*A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
*A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
*A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
*A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
*Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams, wedding anniversaries, birth dates.
*A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing - forever.

[bliss]

Studies have shown that men think about sex every sixty seconds. That's why I eat hotdogs in 59 seconds or less.......................so it doesn't get weird.
_____

If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.
_____

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the smart money is still on the sword.
_____

Can’t find your children?
Try turning off the wifi.
They appear suddenly.

[bliss]

If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."
_____

Whenever someone asks, "You look familiar, where do I know you from?"
I like to respond with, "Well do you watch porn...?"
_____

[bliss]

I don't get the point of a lap dance


If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
_____

[bliss]

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.
_____

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
______

Last night, the wife and I had words.

I never got to use mine.
_____

A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?" The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.

[bliss]

I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
_____

Solid. Liquid. Gas.
I hit the trifecta on the toilet this morning.
_____

When my wife gets a little upset, something like a simple "calm down" in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her even more upset.
_____

The last woman who broke my heart was hard to get over.......................until I shifted into 4-wheel drive.
_____

Truthful TV ad:

I lied about making $5,000 a month in my spare time, and so can you.
_____

[bliss]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

[bliss]

Five facts of life
.
1) We all spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
.
2) Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is......PRICELESS.
.
3) Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend
of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
.
4) Arguing over a woman's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Bud,
Heineken or Corona. Men may state their preferences but will grab
whatever is available.
.
5) I haven't verified this on GOOGLE, but it sounds legitimate.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight -
live longer than the men who mention it.
_____

A 'different' 50 shades of grey....
.
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment.
.
His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch....
.
Her heart was pounding…pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder.
.
Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.
.
Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said:

"OK!, OK! So I CAN'T parallel park the bloody car."
_____

[bliss]

Why the Services can’t work together

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
_____

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast.
In it was an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!".
_____

[bliss]

The police finally arrested the local madam and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed.
Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.
When it became time for Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself.
One of the ladies is an 84-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Damn, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you.
You've been a policeman almost all your life, and here you are,
falling for the oldest trick in the book."
_____

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
_____

My wife texted me after we had a big fight to say I was very condescending. To be honest, I was surprised she could spell it.
_____

My wife says she hates the way I narrate every situation.............................and here she comes now.
_____

[bliss]

Where to retire......

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where …
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where …
1. You make over $450,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where …
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where …
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where …
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
OR
You can move to Colorado where …
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where …
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[bliss]

An old Jew is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"

Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."

Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"

Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news."

Bonus...

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
_____

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
______

[bliss]

Why does a chicken coop only has 2 doors?????

----Because if it had 4 doors it would be called a chicken sedan-----
_____

The NFL draft has consequences......

The Buffalo Bills barely lost a game in 1970 by missing on a bad pass for touchdown. The loss allowed them to get the 1st pick in the draft, where they took O.J. Simpson. While living in Buffalo, Simpson met his wife Nicole, and some years later killed her. He then hired Robert Kardashian to be one of his lawyers. They won the case, making the Kardashian name somewhat famous. Then Kardashian's daughter Kim dropped the sex tape and became really famous. So basically the 1970 Buffalo Bills are the reason we have to deal with the Kardashians today, because if they would've won that game, they wouldn't have had the pick which they took OJ, so he would have never met Nicole, and thus never had a chance to kill her, preventing the entire Kardashian family from ever being even a sliver of a subject in modern culture.

Damn you Buffalo Bills. Damn you.
_____


Best sign of the day.....

We're closed Tuesday, July 4 in observance of Brexit 1776!

[bliss]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere,
the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own,
the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores,
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer,
and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,
who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery.

After the first few liters of coconut whiskey, they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that a least the English are not getting any.
______

It's not easy being a man:

- If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

- If she has a headache, she's not in the mood. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

- If you want it too often, you're oversexed; if you don't, there must be someone else.
_____