Jokes

[bliss]

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he
would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom
and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the prostitutes, the
priests, the wise men, the court jester, et al.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high since the witch was
famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The
last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price
first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the noblest of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene
noises...etc... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring
monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. The old witch put her worst manners on display and
generally made everyone very uncomfortable. Gawain was proper as
always, gentle, and courteous.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what
had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd
been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self,
and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would
he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in
the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having
by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, What would be your
choice?



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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own
life.

And what is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly,
underneath it all, she's still a witch -- and don't you forget it!

[bliss]

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial, he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
_____

"Teacher: "If I had eight flies on my desk and swatted one, how many would be left?"
Little Johnny: "Just the dead one."
_____

My wife caught me masturbating.

I tried explaining to her that technically it was her fault.
_____

"Daddy, I need to tell you what my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said I have a beautiful chassis, voluptuous airbags, and slammin' bumper."

Dad to daughter: "Tell your boyfriend that if he tries to open your hood and check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that is headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe!"
_____

Guys who see this will immediately understand. To all you gals out there, I hope this clarifies some mistaken impressions of how guy brains work!

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment some cute slim starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue..

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
Xbox 1. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws.

Ride of your life