Jokes

[bliss]

Jamo's 2017 Christmas Card.....(he's a lawyer!).....

SEASON’S GREETINGS


Please accept from me (the "wisher") with no obligation, express or implied, my best wishes to you (the "wishee") for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, climatically pleasant, gastronomically rewarding, low stress, non-addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice any religious or secular traditions whatsoever.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the U.S.A. great, (not to imply that the U.S.A. is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, gender, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

The small print...................

<By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to modification or revocation, with or without notice, at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is freely transferable if transmitted without alteration. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for any wishee. It is void where prohibited by law; the wisher undertakes no responsibility for the determination of such legal prohibition; and the wishee accepts this wish with the express assumption of any risk, including without limitation, the unenforceability in the wishee’s jurisdiction. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first; this warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new and different wish, at the sole discretion of the wisher.>



Very truly yours,



The Wishee

[bliss]

How Dogs and Men are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ?her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
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[bliss]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
“Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best bj I have ever had in my entire life,
and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face.
Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last bj of my entire life."
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I saw two guys walking together in the mall wearing matching clothing, so I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.
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[bliss]

I love sleeping. It's like being dead...........

without the commitment.
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If people could read my mind...................

I'd get punched in the face a lot.
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How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
_____

I'm proficient in three languages:

English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
_____

I like you, but...........................

if Zombies start chasing us, I'm tripping you.
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I went back to my hometown and decided to visit the house I grew up in.

I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"

My parents can be so grouchy sometimes.
_____

Dog owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner.

Vet: That's perfectly normal. He's a boxer.