Jokes

[bliss]

Beliefs....

I can't believe how old people my age are.

My superpower is holding onto junk for years and throwing it away a week before I need it.

Sometimes I look at my wife and think "Damn you are one lucky woman"

When you are dead, you don't know you are dead.
It is difficult only for the others.
It is the same when you are stupid.
_____

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of Crown Royal whiskey, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"
_____

[bliss]

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘SCREW him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”
_____

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea.

He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day a daily bread" to "Give us this day a daily chicken."

"I can't possibly do that," said the Pope.
"Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the Colonel.
"No, not for 100,000 dollars," replied the Pope.

Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further. The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope.
This time he offered 500,000 dollars for the words of the Lord's Prayer to be changed to "Give us this day a daily chicken."

Again the Pope refused, "I can't possibly change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from bread to chicken," he repeated.

Another 6 months and KFC sales had reached an all-time low.
The company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord's Prayer.

"I'll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word 'bread' to 'chicken' in the Lord's Prayers."

"That's a lot of money," conceded the Pope.
"So you'll do it?"
"I'll have to discuss it with the Cardinals."

So the Pope called a meeting of the Cardinals. He began, "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, KFC is going to donate 50 million dollars to Vatican.
The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account."
____

Not a joke, but cool.....

The difference between 850 hp and 10,000 hp

watch-a-koenigsegg-agera-hit-284mph-in-stunning-onboard-footage

[bliss]

CC dictionary......

Testicle: a funny exam question.

Forfeit: what most animals stand on.

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.

Hootenanny: a big-breasted au pair.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Irrepressible: hopelessly wrinkled.

Node: was aware of.

Metronome: a subway pixie.

Khaki: a device for starting a car in Boston.

[bliss]

The Pope arrived two hours early for his flight.

So he asks his driver if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure, but the pope is his driver."
_____

How do you know if a Korean teenager has been in your house? Your computer is warm, your homework's been done, and your dog is missing.
_____

[bliss]

A Pessimist sees nothing but darkness in the tunnel.

An Optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A Realist sees light from an oncoming train.

An Engineer sees three idiots standing on the track.
_____

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself, lets her.

A woman is a person who if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, she gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
_____

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

The teacher turns her back. Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb b!tche$ would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around; she is livid and yells: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!"
Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein. I'll see you tomorrow!"

[FWB]

10 years from now we will re-read the last one and say, "i don't get it" who's Harvey
Weinstein

[bliss]

There are many paths on the journey through life.

I think I might have chosen the psychopath.
_____

There is a state statute (Title 13 Article 368-368.5) which makes it a high crime to have sex with insane or mentally defective individuals.

Considering some of the women I've dated... That makes me a Felon.
_____


"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you frickin jackass!"
_____

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away!

She's inflatable.
_____

The local bondage club was robbed last night, we were all left bound and gagged.

We loved it.
_____

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist, as the Police Officer handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

“Keep it,” the Officer advised, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
_____


“Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”

“Darling, of course I do.”
_____

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day.

It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
_____

25% of men in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary...

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all!
_____

[bliss]

Jamo's 2017 Christmas Card.....(he's a lawyer!).....

SEASON’S GREETINGS


Please accept from me (the "wisher") with no obligation, express or implied, my best wishes to you (the "wishee") for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, climatically pleasant, gastronomically rewarding, low stress, non-addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice any religious or secular traditions whatsoever.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the U.S.A. great, (not to imply that the U.S.A. is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, gender, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.

The small print...................

<By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to modification or revocation, with or without notice, at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is freely transferable if transmitted without alteration. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for any wishee. It is void where prohibited by law; the wisher undertakes no responsibility for the determination of such legal prohibition; and the wishee accepts this wish with the express assumption of any risk, including without limitation, the unenforceability in the wishee’s jurisdiction. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first; this warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new and different wish, at the sole discretion of the wisher.>



Very truly yours,



The Wishee

[bliss]

How Dogs and Men are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
_____

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ?her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
_____

[bliss]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
“Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in.
As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
____

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best bj I have ever had in my entire life,
and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face.
Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last bj of my entire life."
_____

I saw two guys walking together in the mall wearing matching clothing, so I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.
_____

[bliss]

I love sleeping. It's like being dead...........

without the commitment.
_____

If people could read my mind...................

I'd get punched in the face a lot.
_____

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
_____

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
_____

I'm proficient in three languages:

English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
_____

I like you, but...........................

if Zombies start chasing us, I'm tripping you.
_____

I went back to my hometown and decided to visit the house I grew up in.

I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"

My parents can be so grouchy sometimes.
_____

Dog owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner.

Vet: That's perfectly normal. He's a boxer.

[JohnGalt]

One day, the loneliness of a 70-year-old widow made her put an ad in the local newspaper that she wanted to marry again. It read:

“Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

The next day, the doorbell rang, and when she opened the door, she saw a gray-haired gentleman in a wheelchair, with no legs or arms.

She said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you-you have no legs!”

The old man smiled gently, and replied: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

The old lady, still objecting, said, “You don’t have any arms either!”

This made the old man smile again, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

Before the next question, the old lady raised her eyebrow and asked, “Are you still good in bed?”

The old man leaned back, and with a grin on his face, said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[bliss]

An Army Officer was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter, she explained that she wants to break up as she is in love
with someone else and wanted nothing further to do with him.
To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Officer does what any squared away Officer would do.
He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
'I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you.'
____

The Gunfighter

[bliss]

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!
_____

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly... she’s not your friend anymore.
_____

I'm going to hell..........................

in so many different religions.
_____

Exercise?

I thought you said "extra fries."
_____

Does wine count as a serving of fruit?
_____

Shaving with a razor takes a lot of courage.

I used to shave my privates with one.......

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.
_____

I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.

I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

This doesn’t apply to me. Not much anyway.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn'tmiss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they couldfind a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week.
You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care...I have now done MY part.

[bliss]

Don't ever join dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.
_____

I went to Home Depot to buy a manure spreader

I asked what kind of warranty came with it. The salesman said it was the one product they wouldn't stand behind.
_____

A hermit was pulled over by the police and

charged with recluse driving.
_____

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
_____

It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
_____

My girlfriend said to me the other day ......

"Why did God give women cramp pains, and men nothing !!"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

That's when the argument started.
_____

Just checked the height/weight chart at the gym.

Apparently, I'm about 6 inches too short.
______

Yesterday I met Darth Vader's corrupt brother...

Taxi Vader
_____

This guy called me gay for wearing heels the other day. There's no way I was wearing sneakers with that dress.
_____

I have yet to bite a moose that tastes like chocolate.
_____

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

[SMOKNAC]

Text to neighbor:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again, sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard.

[Ron61]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[bliss]

A minister decided an unusual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

He placed 4 worms in separate jars.

The 1st in a jar of alcohol...
The second in a jar of smoke
The third in a jar of chocolate
And the fourth in a jar of good clean dirt.

The 1st died in the alcohol

The second died in the cigarette smoke.

The third died in the chocolate.

And the fourth remained alive and well.

He then asked the congregation what they learned from the lesson.

Maxine piped up, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."
_____

I went to the store by bicycle last Friday night, bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in my bicycle basket. Suddenly I thought that I could fall off the bicycle, and the bottle would break. So I decided to drink the whole bottle right away, before going home. And you know, this was a really good decision, because on the way home I fell five times.
_____

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I knew I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
_____

My wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.
_____

I wonder if the guy who coined the term

"One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

[bliss]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
.
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally."
.
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
.
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago."
.
The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American. It was easy to get here via Arizona."
.
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
.
She says, "No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago."
.
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
.
The African lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work."
_____

My Last Ride

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and ended in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

“I'm okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That's nice of you,” I answered, ”but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I'm sure my wife won't like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now.”

“Don't be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”
_____

Don't want to brag, or make anyone jealous but my wife still fits into her high school earrings!