Jokes

[CSX 4133]

Practice makes Perfect.


Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . in and out . . . .

A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .

She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .

Forward then backward . . . .

Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding now . . . .

Her face was flushed . . . .

She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . .

she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted . . . .





"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .

You do it . . . . !!"

[Ron61]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[CSX 4133]

Not a joke, just a rather irregular safety speech by a Southwest Airlines flight attendant.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/TxNrizGdhtY?rel=0

[Ron61]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

[bliss]

Four old retired men are walking down a street inYuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons."
_____

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.
_____

[CSX 4133]

A guy poked his head into a crowded barber shop and asked the barber how long of a wait. The barber replied about 2 hours, the guy then left, He showed up the next day and asked the same question. The barber said about 3 hours, the guy left again. The 3rd day the guy showed up and asked again. The barber said about 2.5 hours, and the guy left. The barber asked his friend Bob, who was waiting, to follow the guy and find out where he goes after he leaves the shop. Bob comes back to the shop and the barber asks, well where does he go. Bob with tears running down his face says, your house.

[Ron61]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[Ron61]

An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time swallow a bullet?" The man answers, "Swallow a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!"

[CSX 4133]

*Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol*:

*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*

*What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?*

*Here's her story in her own words:*

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.*

*If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!*

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”*

[Ron61]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[bliss]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
_____

Nine hundred and ninety-nine islands have contributed to this salad dressing so far, but I still feel like it’s missing something.
_____

I went for a run today.

It was a beer run, but I was sweating.
_____

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.
_____

Two cowboys are standing in front of their bunkhouse and shooting the breeze about their favorite position for sex.

One cowboy sez, "I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
The other cowboy replies, "Never heard of that one. What's that ?"

"Well, you get your girlfriend down on all fours, you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy these feel just like your sister's' -- and then you try to hold on for at least 7 seconds."

[Ron61]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

[bliss]

The old man on his deathbed wheezed to his wife: "When I'm dead, I want you to marry Wilbur."

His wife replied: "Wilbur? Why Wilbur? You've hated him all your life!"

"Still do," wheezed the old man.
_____

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."

"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."
_____

[CSX 4133]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Ron61]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[bliss]

A senior citizen for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. "Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week, I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old." The doctor said "My goodness Frank, and at your age too. I hope you at least took some precautions." The old guy said "Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."…
_____

An outspoken atheist explorer was in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!"

A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living **** out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay…NOW you're screwed."…
_____

People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.

[Ron61]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[Ron61]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[CSX 4133]

An elderly couple finally learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was no-nonsense.

One afternoon the wife went to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message.

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband texted back to her:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise

[Ron61]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."