Jokes

[CSX 4133]

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."
__________________

[Ron61]

That was a good one and I have to remember it for future references.

Ron

[CSX 4133]

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
***************
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
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Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
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A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
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I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
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I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
*************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
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My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
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My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
*************
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
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I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
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I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
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When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
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I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
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I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
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I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
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I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
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I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
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One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
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My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
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THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
__________________

[Ron61]

Darn Steven, about half of those describe me and my life.

Ron

[CSX 4133]

Haha! I know the feeling Ron.

[bliss]

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard, having a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I asked, "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" and I heard this reply. "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather." I responded, "I thought that money was the root of all evil." He then replied, "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is just a tool, it can be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better but I still had two burning questions, so I asked, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?" He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer to the first question is in your heart and is different for everyone. The answer to your second question is your mother and your father had mucho sex. I would love to chat with you some more, señor but I have to finish your lawn now"…
_____

[Ron61]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[CSX 4133]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want me to hang these blinds?"

[Ron61]

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

[bliss]

Wisdom.....

*If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
_____

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

[BAsque1]

"Logic"

Two Texas farmers, Joe and Jim Bob are sitting at their favorite bar
drinking beer.

Joe turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Texas A&M and sign up for some classes."

Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Joe goes down and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him
up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Joe says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example.

Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking because you own a weed eater I think that you would
have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Joe shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Jim Bob at the bar.

He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English,
History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Joe says, "Well, I'll give ya an example.

Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

[EZ$]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip, or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the most popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry." she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends just call me Bubba."

[CSX 4133]

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, ' Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'[ P.S.: She'll be eligible for parole in 6 years. ]

[Ron61]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

[CSX 4133]

THE CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl !

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell. '

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for
4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads’

[Ron61]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Ron

[Ron61]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

[bliss]

[bliss]

I just had a physical.
The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty"
I said, "Like bacon, and burgers?"
He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything!"
_____

This is what all of us 80+-year-olds, and those yet-to-be, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of a time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.
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I'm sure my coworker is having an affair with my wife...

He's been very miserable lately.
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A blond is in a car crash and she says, "I think I have a concussion." The paramedic asks, "How many fingers do I have up?" The blond shrieks, "Oh my God! I am paralyzed from the waist down, too!"

[Ron61]

That was a good one Bliss and I have to remember it.

Ron