Jokes

[bliss]

What's the difference between MPH & MPG?

About 40 years

If you need an explanationn...naw, forget it.
_____

Marriage is like a violin...

after all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
_____

A 90-year-old man on his birthday gets a knock on his front door. He slowly goes down the stairs and opens the door. At his door is a beautiful young woman in a bikini with a bunch of balloons. "I'm here to give you Super Sex! ", she exclaims. The old man replies, " I'll take the Soup! ".
_____

An old couple vacationing in Vermont when they stopped for gas. While filling their car the attendant says to the man, "I see you're from New York". The wife, who can hardly hear, yells out "What did he say ?'. The old man screams, "He sees we're from New York !". The attendant then remarks, "Beautiful state New York'. The wife yells out, "What did he say ?". The old man, getting irritated, screams, "He likes New York state !". Then the attendant leans in toward the man and says, "But had the worse sex in my life in New York". The woman yells out, 'What did he say, what did he say?". The old man screams "He said he thinks he knows you !".

[Ron61]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[bliss]

Wisdom......

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
Remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
You'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

[Ron61]

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[CSX 4133]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[bliss]

Two old men were in the park talking.

After a while, the conversation turned to ageing. One said, "When it comes to getting older, women have all the luck."

"How do you mean?" asked his friend.

"Well, I haven't been able to perform in bed for ten years now, but my wife seems to be healthier than ever."

"In what way is she healthier?" asked the friend.

"Up to about ten years ago, she used to get these terrible headaches just before bedtime. But she doesn't get them anymore."
_____

AAA Towing Service in Mexico

[Chicagowil]

A friend of mine several years ago related this to me:

He came home to find his 67 year old wife standing nude in front of the full length mirror looking a herself.

He asked her "What are you doing?"

Well, she said, if you remember, I had a physical today and the Dr said I have the body of a 40 year old!


Well, you should give it back- your getting it all wrinkled!

[Chicagowil]

There was a little boy and girl on the playground.

The little boy was trying to make the girl cry on a bet with his friends.

He approaches the girl and drops his pants. The says to the little girl "I have one of these and you don't". The little girl starts to cry and runs home.

The little boy feels very proud that he has won!

The next day the little boy sees another little girl on the playground and approaches her.

He once again lowers his pants and says "I have one of these and you don't"

The little girl raises her skirt and says "My Mom say with one of these I can have all of those that I want"

[bliss]

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"

So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?" But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral:
The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
_____

A man visits a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave
the man has ever experienced.

As the Barber is finishing up, the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back the next day like everyone else does."
_____

[BAsque1]

Originally Posted by Ron61

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrHk...SM4JnI&index=4

[CSX 4133]

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?"

I'm old, and I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

My Best Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

[bliss]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.
Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—
and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. ?I came down to scare him.”

Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
_____

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one ENJOYS it?
_____

Relationships are like fat people... most of them don't work out.

[bliss]

Hello.....

[Ron61]

A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

[bliss]

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny when he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

A local church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid. Because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say,
thinning it down.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffolding to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
_____

Tom, Dick, and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

[Ron61]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[bliss]

[Ron61]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[Ron61]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Ron61]

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."