Jokes

[bliss]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.50."
_____

A lawyer dies and goes before Saint Peter. Saint Peter looks over his record and tells him he doesn't see any major offenses but not much good done either. The lawyer tells him that he gave a quarter to a homeless man in 1989 right outside the coffee shop and then again he gave a quarter to another homeless outside the home depot in 2010. Saint Peter tells him it is a close call and that he will check with God. So Saint Peter asks God whether he should let him in or not and God says " Give him his fifty cents back and send him to hell"
_____

Women are like computers. You never really....

appreciate them until they go down on you!
_____

[Ron61]

A Brazilian, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian were in a plane. The pilot told them that they have to jump out of the plane when they find their country. The Brazilian jumped out when he saw the Christ the Redeemer statue. The Frenchman jumped out when he saw the Eiffel Tower. When it was the Nigerian's turn the pilot asked, "When will you jump?" The Nigerian put his hand outside the plane window. When he brought it back in, his watch was gone. He said, "Ah, we've reached my country."

[bliss]

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
"She will praise you!
"She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"
Of course, the rest is history!!!!
_____

You know it's going to be a bad day when:

- the fortune teller charges you half-price.

- your cat chokes to death on your goldfish.

- your suggestion box starts ticking.

- you call the Suicide Hotline and they put you on hold.

- the exterminator crawls under your house and never comes back out.

- your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- you find the Yellow Pages open at "hitmen."

- your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
____

Since some folks have decided that "Baby it’s Cold Outside" should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity　

White Christmas? Racist

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker　

Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Come on the name says it all! Reckless driving, attempted murder, elder abuse!
_____

I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
_____

It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.

[Ron61]

Good one Bliss. I needed a laugh to start the day with.

Ron

[Ron61]

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.....Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Ron61]

Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officerouble click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.

[Lou1119]

Originally Posted by Ron61

Pappu:My internet is not working properly..o
Officer:Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu:I can’t see ur computer..
Officer:No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu:How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer:listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu:what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officerouble click on ur computer..
Pappu:On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer:“My Computer”..
Pappu:…Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer.

Sounds like a modern version of Abbot and Costello "Whose on First"

[BigGuy]

That’s reallly good I might have to recycle this one!

[bliss]

I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
_____

[bliss]

Dear Mother-in-law,

Stop telling me how to raise my kids, I live with one of yours and I've seen your work.
_____

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when
the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags.
He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags.

Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at
his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The Signalman concentrated
intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."

Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine
to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the
many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly.

"Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals
FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"
_____

Advice please

This upcoming Saturday I'll be the best man at my buddy's second wedding.
Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with "Welcome back, everyone?"
_____

Academy Award?

How can it be that Parasite wins an Oscar ... when there is no host?

[bliss]

While I was shopping at Walmart, I asked the clerk where I could find the nuts.
He said they were in the toilet paper aisle.
_____

When you actually do the arithmetic, a ton of people is really only about 10 to 18 guys.
_____

Jeff Bezos and I have a combined net worth of approximately $120 billion dollars! (at least we did have)
_____

A tourist from Texas stands beneath the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks at it in awe.

"An amazing tower," he comments to a French guy standing nearby; "how many barrels does it get out in a day?"
_____

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day.

His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will.

The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth.

In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:

"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead.

You were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself.

Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then this?! It can't be!"

So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased."

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."