Jokes

[bliss]

There are loads of scams on the Internet,

but for $19.99 I can show you how to avoid them.
_____

The reason beer goes through you so fast is...

because it doesn't have to change color on the way through.
_____

One day, I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids have put me in a nursing home.
_____

I'm dating this broad from upstate, and she invited me over her place to watch a movie. I'm sittin there and she takes out 2 boxes of Kleenex and told me that she rates her movies based on how many boxes of
tissues she goes thru.

"What a coincidence," I said. "Me too".
_____

Remember when "it's complicated" was a relationship status, not a gender status?
_____
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your children’s children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and your parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment with a puzzled face, then asked, “OK, so… How's the catch?”
_____

[bliss]

No. of Recommendations: 25
I had a blind date last night.
But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive?
I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!

Just as we were about to head out to the restaurant, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
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A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.

A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.

A person helping a company evade law is called a politician.

[Slamed]

I Found out the Main difference between a wife and a dog. Lock em both in your trunk, come back in an hour, the dog will be HAPPY to see you!

[AngeloB]

What did the pen say to the pencil ?

Answer - You are lookin sharp !