Jokes

[bliss]

There are loads of scams on the Internet,

but for $19.99 I can show you how to avoid them.
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The reason beer goes through you so fast is...

because it doesn't have to change color on the way through.
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One day, I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids have put me in a nursing home.
_____

I'm dating this broad from upstate, and she invited me over her place to watch a movie. I'm sittin there and she takes out 2 boxes of Kleenex and told me that she rates her movies based on how many boxes of
tissues she goes thru.

"What a coincidence," I said. "Me too".
_____

Remember when "it's complicated" was a relationship status, not a gender status?
_____
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your children’s children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and your parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment with a puzzled face, then asked, “OK, so… How's the catch?”
_____

[bliss]

No. of Recommendations: 25
I had a blind date last night.
But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive?
I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!

Just as we were about to head out to the restaurant, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
_____



A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.

A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.

A person helping a company evade law is called a politician.

[letsboogie351]

I phoned an engineer friend to seek his help with a problem but, he shut me down saying that he didn't have time as he was currently busy working on aqua thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and stainless steel under a constrained environment.
I was impressed until further probing revealed he was washing dishes with hot water under the watchful eye of his wife

[bliss]

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how you get back up.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.
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After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F!
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Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at
the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter
asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped
forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an
HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But, as the HMO manager
walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you go to hell.
_____

[Cruisin428]

[bliss]

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours, to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......

You either married it or gave birth to it.
_____

I was sitting with my cell phone and my wife watching her show. I asked her for a beer and she said no. Then her cell phone rang in the kitchen and she quickly got up to see what it was. My message said. "Since you're in the kitchen, bring me a beer".... I don't remember anything else.

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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers, and 1 plot line?










632 Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

[kevins2]

[Slamed]

I Found out the Main difference between a wife and a dog. Lock em both in your trunk, come back in an hour, the dog will be HAPPY to see you!

[BigGuy]

That’s reallly good I might have to recycle this one!

[bliss]

I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
_____

[bliss]

Dear Mother-in-law,

Stop telling me how to raise my kids, I live with one of yours and I've seen your work.
_____

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at homeport when
the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags.
He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags.

Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at
his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The Signalman concentrated
intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."

Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine
to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the
many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly.

"Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals
FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"
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Advice please

This upcoming Saturday I'll be the best man at my buddy's second wedding.
Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with "Welcome back, everyone?"
_____

Academy Award?

How can it be that Parasite wins an Oscar ... when there is no host?

[bliss]

While I was shopping at Walmart, I asked the clerk where I could find the nuts.
He said they were in the toilet paper aisle.
_____

When you actually do the arithmetic, a ton of people is really only about 10 to 18 guys.
_____

Jeff Bezos and I have a combined net worth of approximately $120 billion dollars! (at least we did have)
_____

A tourist from Texas stands beneath the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks at it in awe.

"An amazing tower," he comments to a French guy standing nearby; "how many barrels does it get out in a day?"
_____

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day.

His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will.

The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth.

In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:

"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead.

You were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself.

Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.

The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then this?! It can't be!"

So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased."

Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"

The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."

[bliss]

Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
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Sounds of Bacon

Hello bacon my old friend
I'd like to eat some more of you again
Because an odor softly creeping
Filled my dreams while I was sleeping
And the taste that was planted in my brain...……...still remains
Echoed with the sound …………. of sizzling.

( Apologies to Simon & Garfunkel )
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Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16.

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity..

[cycleguy55]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

[bliss]

Schrodinger's Virus

We all have Schrodinger's Virus now.

Because we can't get tested, we don't know if we have the virus or not.

We have to act as though we have the virus so we don't spread it to others.

We have to act as though we've never had the virus, otherwise, we'd be immune.

Therefore we both have, and don't have the virus.

If you don't understand this joke, why did you click on the title? Do you know somebody named Schrodinger?
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Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?

[bliss]

We are told that if we need to cough, we should do it into our elbow,
to minimize the risk of spreading this virus.

We are also told not to shake hands anymore, but we should touch elbows,
instead.

Wait......WHAT ????
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I don’t care how nice the hand soap smells. You should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.
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You came from dust. You will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
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The Corona-Virus has achieved what no female has ever been able to achieve. It has canceled sports, closed all the bars, and kept all the guys at home!

[bliss]

[bliss]

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.
Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

Cancer cures smoking.

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it.

Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
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A friend of mine had just seen a documentary about Chernobyl. He grew up in Ukraine in the 1980s and was able to count at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
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[EM-0785]

Re-posting an old Club Cobra video I came across, it's hilarious!!!!

It’s the video in post #1 of the forum thread linked below, very well done, top hat I’d say. It refers to this site owner also named Brent, not me.

Enjoy…Brent

Brent's not too happy...

[AngeloB]

What did the pen say to the pencil ?

Answer - You are lookin sharp !