Jokes

[bliss]

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!

Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.

A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you little fart."

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."

[bliss]

The wife and I have been practicing social distancing lately. Well, OK, she calls it a restraining order.
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When the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my luggage that my travel plans were canceled. Now I have to deal with all this emotional baggage.
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[bliss]

Posted for no particular reason except I found this interesting and perhaps others here will too.

It is a pretty cool chart illustrating the water depths of various things and what the water pressure would cause at some of these depths.... It is only one page but you have to scroll around to see it all...

https://xkcd.com/1040/large/
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No. of Recommendations: 11
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually, I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.

[bliss]

The Blues

Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvo s, BMW's, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

Good places for the Blues:

a. Highway

b. Jailhouse

c. An empty bed

d. Bottom of a whiskey glass


Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. Gallery openings

c. Ivy league institutions

d. Golf courses


No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.


You have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You older than dirt

b. You blind

c. You shot a man in Memphis

d. You can't be satisfied


You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You have all your teeth

b. You were once blind but now can see

c. The man in Memphis lived

d. You have a pension fund

Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues


Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine

b. Whiskey or bourbon

c. Muddy water

d. Nasty black coffee


The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

[bliss]

Covid pickup lines.....

If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since the public libraries are closed I’m checking you out instead.

You can’t spell virus without U and I.

Baby do you need toilet paper? I can be your Prince Charmin.

I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
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John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door,
Jill said, "Wait a minute, I want to see how you unlock the door."

"Why?" John asks.

"Because I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

"Well," Jill explains, "if a guy shoves his key into the lock and opens the door hard,
then that means he is a rough lover and he isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't
seem to find the keyhole, that means he is inexperienced and he isn't for me either. So,
how do you unlock your door?"

Without hesitation, John says, "Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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My wife asked me if she died would I re-marry?

I said no, I'd just go and live with my brother.

Then I asked her if she'd re-marry if I died.

She said no, she would just go and live with my brother too

[bliss]

Elderly couple in bed

Wife: I was dreaming I was at Walmart.
Husband: I was dreaming I was with 3 women.
Wife: Was I there?
Husband: No, you were at Walmart.
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It's the 1930's in communist Russia and two guards are on sentry duty.

Igor says to his companion Ivor “what do you really think of Comrade Stalin?”

Ivor replies “the same as you”

Igor raises his rifle and says “you are under arrest”
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[bliss]

Might wake up early and go running tomorrow.

I also might win the lottery.

The odds are about the same.
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I've opened a restaurant called "Peace & Quiet”.

Kids meals: Only $150.
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CNN reports: the Oscars were "mostly peaceful"
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What I lack in restraint....................

...................I make up for in remorse.
________

What the large print giveth.................

.....................the small print taketh away.
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Too bad Frank Zappa didn't name 1 of his kids...

Bug...
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A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor.

He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting, and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"$150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.

"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people! You're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when there is no one here to overcharge?"

"We raise porcupines, ma'am."
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[95CobraR]

Very good posts.

[Harpoon PV2]

I went to the fights last night, and a hockey game broke out!

[bliss]

Every girl is bi, just gotta figure out if it's polar or sexual.
_____

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?
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My grandkids laughed when I told them that I'm older than Google. Turns out, I'm also older than McDonald's, Disneyland, Mickey Mouse Club, disposable diapers, N.A.S.A., Barbie, "the pill", and hula hoops. Also, I was born before Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus, but I'm still the best thing since sliced bread! (sort of).
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An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn’t be found locally, the call went out around the world.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds, and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?”

To this, the Arab replied: ”Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.”