Jokes

[EarlsflyinCobra]

BE CAREFUL OF PLAY TOYS...MBD
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>>ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
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>>Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a >>guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
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>>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my >>interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a >>little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a >>100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
>>effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term >>adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to >>safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
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>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two >>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I >>was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND >>pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch >>of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
>>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the >>face of her microwave.
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>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it >>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There >>I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little >>soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed >>to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
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>>I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) >>and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going >>to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did >>want some assurance that it would work as
>>advertised. Am I wrong?
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>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses >>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser >>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and >>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle >>spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would >>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of >>water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the >>batteries.
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>>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, >>less than 3/4 inch in
>>circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a >>batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
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>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my >>best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked >>to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second >>burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I >>decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I >>touched
>>the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS >>OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
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>>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up >>in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over >>and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal >>position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, >>testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in >>the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over >>me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, >>undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
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>>Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note >>of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap >>yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from >>your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst >>would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A >>minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that >>point), collected my
>>wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent >>reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get >>there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. >>My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip >>weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a
>>significant reward for their safe return.
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>>Still in hock,
>>Tommy
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