Jokes

[Ron61]

American Management Today - Idiots?


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from the Dilberts we work for in corporate America, circa 2004:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Really typical.

[Ron61]

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between Slow Down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts Beating the
ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[EarlsflyinCobra]

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age
can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down
and I betcha you can't resist
passing it on.

Dar McNeely

"Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you
with experience."

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Now this may be worth seeing:



Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next
to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and
makes his move.
"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it
slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to
discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear
power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes
little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and
the horse produces muffins of dried
poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I
haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you
feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't
know sh!t?

[cobra de capell]

FOR THE MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES WHO CAN HANDLE IT

Sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Take a quick peaky at yourself in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[cobra de capell]

Actually, not a joke - this works!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week
that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ..
If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE!
(Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK,
SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

[cobra de capell]

A young man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?". The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did".

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down and asked him how many customers bought something from him. The kids says one.

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20-30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?". The kid says $101,237.65." Boss asked him what the heck he sold.

The kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook, then a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a fishing rod. He was going fishing down the coast so he needed a new boat and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. He didn't think his car coud pull it so he bought a 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
_____



Ok, this one is not funny:

[cobra de capell]

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to churches in years. We gets our chicken from "Popeye's".

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

[cobra de capell]

[Ron61]

Grannies on the Road:




Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state
trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he Turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in
the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The
driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I
was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the
route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and
thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

[dave from mesa]

Those southern Texas boys have a way with words....







Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 910--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air reply: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -Allah be Praised
!!"



A moment later...


Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Iran Air 171--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air reply: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: ......
then suddenly!!!

Iran Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Iran Air 171?"

Iran Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! WE ARE ABOUT TO HIT!!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your little hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?."

[lamaluv]

Oil Change instructions for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for men:

1) Wait untill Saturday, drive to Auto Zone and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter and hand cleaner, write check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy acase of beer, write check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil of of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under the car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink another beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage floor.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish oil change." Drag pan of old oil out from unter car. Cleaverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to be recycled.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11: buy beer.

Continued next post

[lamaluv]

22) Install new filter making sure to apply a thin coating of oil to gasket surface, make sure filter is full of oil.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil in engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step11.
25) Hurry to find plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in the back yard, anong with the drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31)Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit car show trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five quarts of fresh oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidently crush remaining case of oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over; arrested for DUI.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later get car from impound.


Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[cobra de capell]

Murphy, all bruised, bloody and lumped up, walks into a Dublin bar.
Barkeep asks: "Murph...what the he$$ happened to you?"

Murph: "I got into a fight with O'Brien."
Barkeep: "O'Brien ? That little sh$t couldn't take you on his best day. He must have had something in his hand."

Murph: "Aye...he had a shovel and commenced to beat me about the head and shoulders."

Barkeep: "Surely you must have had something in YOUR hand ?"

Murph: "Aye...Mrs. O'Brien's left breast, and a thing of beauty is was too, but utterly useless in a fight."
____

I wish that this was a joke:

I'M HEADED TO MEXICO

David M. Bresnahan
April 1, 2006
NewsWithViews.com

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and
extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to
walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to
make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

David M. Bresnahan

_____

[cobra de capell]

Cannon Balls - a History Lesson!

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannonballs near the cannon on
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem.

The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based
pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested
on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small
area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey.

But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,
the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would
come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?

[Ron61]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to
the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget
about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't
have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very
brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the
pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned
to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which
tooth hurts."

[cobra de capell]

This is no joke - just something that we all should understand.

The 7 Dwarfs of PMS

1 Weepy...Usually the first Dwarf to rear its ugly head especially if there is a "touching" moment during things like TV commercials that you ordinarily would not look at twice. This is a sure sign that the rest of the gang can't be too far behind.

2 Piggy... Piggy has quite an appetite for sweet and salty foods. Piggy can usually be found trying to calm down Weepy and make her smile. Piggy is Weepy's best friend but will go overboard in trying to help. If Piggy doesn't watch out then Bloaty is sure to visit.

3 Bloaty... Bloaty comes to town to B**** slap Piggy for chowing down one too many chips. Bloaty takes her job seriously and once she comes to the party she is one of the last to leave. Unfortunately Bloaty wakes the evilest dwarf of them all...B****y

4 B****y...This bad boy is sometimes referred to as THE Terminator. Don't mess with this character for she is prone to hissy fits. B****y takes no prisoners and usually makes no apologies. This evil-doer is likely to have Weepy watching her back and backing her up at any moment so beware. Just when you think you know what B****y is B****ing about, Weeping will come on the scene and confuse you. Then there is a possibility that you will be the one saying "I'm Sorry".

5 Horny...This one has quite the appetite of a different kind. This creature has been known to have horny hormone levels that rival many 18 year old boys. B****y tries her hardest to keep Horny hidden from view. Weepy can sometimes keep B****y at bay long enough for Horny to make her move and be satisified. Men, you need to know that she exists and loves to come out to play.

6 Crampy...Never a welcome addition. But Crampy is usually a clear sign that Red-Tide will be here soon. Crampy can really get B****y going even worse than Bloaty. One of the best ways to soothe Crampy's attacks is to let Horny do her thing. Sometimes it might be best to sleep through Crampy's visits.

7 Red-Tide... While this character can sometimes be out of control and a messy trouble maker she is always an inevitable and sometimes welcome guest. But once she makes her appearance the end is always in sight. And unfortunately once she makes it onto the scene the others make an extra effort to be noticed and primary.