Jokes

Hydramada · #1 (**permalink**) 04-18-2006, 03:29 PM

http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.htm

Quote:

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Cannon Balls - a History Lesson!

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannonballs near the cannon on
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem.

The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based
pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested
on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small
area right ...............

cobra de capell · #2 (**permalink**) 04-19-2006, 08:36 AM

Not so funny:

Funny:

Mark IV · #3 (**permalink**) 04-19-2006, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Not so funny:

Funny:

They call him Flipper....http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/sharksurfer.asp

And......http://www.whitesharktrust.org/pages...e/media26.html

cobra de capell · #4 (**permalink**) 04-19-2006, 03:36 PM

Once again - it's a joke thread, don't be stupid.

Why are so many Cobra owners or want to be owners so anal about practically everything? I just don't get it.

blykins · #5 (**permalink**) 04-21-2006, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Once again - it's a joke thread, don't be stupid.

Why are so many Cobra owners or want to be owners so anal about practically everything? I just don't get it.

Yeah, I know....so why are you like that CDC?

There wasn't nothing wrong with his post. Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black here.

cobra de capell · #6 (**permalink**) 04-19-2006, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hydramada

http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.htm

This is a joke thread, don't be stupid. I know that it may not be true, but it's a great story.

Hydramada · #7 (**permalink**) 04-19-2006, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

This is a joke thread, don't be stupid. I know that it may not be true, but it's a great story.

Interesting response.

VRM · #8 (**permalink**) 04-20-2006, 07:50 AM

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL
notes written by PARENTS in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings
have been left intact.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE
EXECUTE HIM.
~
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
~
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 AND ALSO 33.
~
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
~
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT
OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
~
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
~
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS
HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
~
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
~
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
~
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
~
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,
DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(Love it!)
~
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA,
AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
~
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
~
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You
know, this could be legit!}
~
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE
DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
~
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO
GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE
THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
~
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A
WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
~
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL.
~
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH
GRAMPS.
~
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
~
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

VRM · #9 (**permalink**) 04-20-2006, 07:55 AM

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse" The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief. Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news."

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend."

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in 302. Nobody here tells me nuthin!"

VRM · #10 (**permalink**) 04-20-2006, 07:57 AM

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk!

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "... Amen."

wtm442 · #11 (**permalink**) 04-20-2006, 11:25 AM

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work!"

Hydramada · #12 (**permalink**) 04-24-2006, 09:03 AM

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted