Jokes

[Ron61]

The Cowboy
A cowboy from Texas was pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for
speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was
doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?" The
trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." Well, sir," the
cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle
flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end
of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much respect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the
trooper said and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to
fool them flies though.

[Art Burtt]

A soldier fresh out of the service went down to the Redstone Arsenal for a job.
The interviewer asked if he was a Vet. The guy replied yes I am just got out,I did a two year tour in Iraq. The interviewer said oh good you go to the top of the list. Then he asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy replied
yes 100 % I had my testicles blown off when a mortar round hit my Humvee. The interviewer replied in that case you can start tomorrow,the hours are 8:00 to 4:00 so show up at 10:00 AM. The guy asks if the hours are 8:00 to 4:00 why do I show up at 10:00 AM? The interviewer replies, well this is a Government job and we just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours, no sense in you showing up for that!

[VRM]

I was in my back yard yesterday trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Subject: Shopping with Mom


Shopping

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, & as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mother." The little old lady waved & smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies

[Cobrabill]

Lezbonics

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?... A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?... Militia Etheridge

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?...
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?... Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?... A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?... Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?... She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?... Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?... Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?... Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?...
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

[Wes Tausend]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like"

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[VRM]

Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest
friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the
church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for
the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big
is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."

[VRM]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And Finally:

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak
Spanish.

[cobra de capell]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

[cobra de capell]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

It was addressed, "Dad" with the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion, dad - she's pregnant and Barbara assures me that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her since she is so much older than I am, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood enough for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we need.

In the meantime, we pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry, dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son, John

P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at Billy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

I love you!

PS: Call when it's safe for me to come home

[cobra de capell]

A Teamsters boss goes to a convention in Las Vegas for a few days.
One night he goes out to a brothel.

Like a good union man, he asks the madam if it's a union shop.

"No", she says.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $20 and the house gets $80".

"Pahh! " he says, and walks off to find another brothel.

He asks the next madam "Are you a union shop?"

"Oh, yes!" was the reply.

He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"

The madam says "The girl would get $80 and the house gets $20".

That's more to his liking, so he gives her $100 and says "I'd like that pretty young blond girl right there", pointing to his choice.

The madam puts the money in her pocket, points to an 85-year old woman, and says to him: "I'm sure you would, but Ethel here has seniority."

[cobra de capell]

Of course, Cobra's use "WTF" premium!

[cobra de capell]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
_____

The world's shortest fairy tale...
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No" and the girl lived happily ever after. She went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.

The End

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed . "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! God is so Good!"

[Wes Tausend]

A couple more...
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

THE KORAN
To give its life for Allah and 72 consecutive virgin roosters.

[cobra de capell]

Subject: Cow Politics
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICANISM You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[cobra de capell]

Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. (back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama.

Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!

Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:

Your cans are made of aluminum.
Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can.... black!!!

Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with. Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.

The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time.) These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers.

The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1


It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.

Sincerely,

Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy. . .




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.

Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers.

Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.

However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems.

Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.

Sincerely,

Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.

[cobra de capell]

Compaq Computers may change the command which reads "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.

AST technical support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. Turned out, the "dust cover" was the
plastic bag the mouse came in.

A man called a Compaq technician complaining that the system wouldn't read
word processing files from his old 5" diskettes. After trouble-shooting for
magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and
was heard putting the phone down and crossing the room to close the door to his office.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

Yet another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the
man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because
his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained he
shouldn't take the responses personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn
on. The tech asked if she had plugged it in. She had. The tech asked her
what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

This story comes from Novell: Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support? Tech:
Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken
and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder? Caller: Yes, it's attached
to the front of my computer. Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit
stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional
at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it? Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything
about a promotional. I just has "4X" on it. At this point, the tech had to
mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the
load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and had snapped it off the
drive!

[computerworks]

Let's see...

"Return key"
"AST"
"doors on floppy drives"
"local Egghead store"
"4x CD-ROM"

Like a Carbon-14 test.... we can "date" this joke.

...it's an oldie.