Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Another proud guy moment:

[cobra de capell]

Some Sage Advice:

Replace all female flight attendants with some
good-lookin' strippers! What the [censored]? The attendants
have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual
businessman in this country would start flying again,
hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt and the airline industry would see
record revenues.

Why the [censored] didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton
_____


GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
____

[wtm442]

Medical Examinations

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

-Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

-Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

-Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

-Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband wasalive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

-Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

-Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!................



8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.

Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

-Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[cobra de capell]

A man is in Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

[cobra de capell]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was, it was Jessica Simpson!

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license?" replied Jessica, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked Jessica. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on her license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is she driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she drop dead gorgeous Jessica?" asked the dispatcher."Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. Jessica looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

[Cobrabill]

The Illegal Alien March Was A Success!!!

Hey guys, I thought you'd be interested in some of these facts I got at the
Sheriff's website today. It appears that the illegal immigration march in
Los Angeles was a success! According to data from the Los Angeles County
Sheriff, Los Angeles had a reduction in the following:

82% reduction - auto theft
28% reduction - murders/violent crimes/rapes
73% reduction - vandalism/tagging
54% reduction - drug related offenses (not including the area surrounding
the march)
31% reduction - domestic violence cases
64% reduction - misdemeanor cases (shoplifting, etc.)

CHP reported that today was a record low in the least amount of traffic
accidents on Southern California freeways.

Looks like the illegal immigration rally was well worth it. Maybe you can
do it again sometime. It sure saved the State of California a chunk of
money!

[Ron61]

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says,"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

[Ron61]

BLONDE FROM TEXAS

A very attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived at a casino and
bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes; and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Texans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but
all men are men.

[cobra de capell]

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
The ArnoldSchwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100
GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
____

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

2. There are 2 times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

3. A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

4. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife.

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

6. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

7. Married man live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

8. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone know why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

12. What is the different between a marriage and a war?
A marriage is a war which the enemies can sleep together.

13. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

14. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. (this one is so true!!)

16. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

17. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

18. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

19. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

20. A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the theif was spending less than his wife did.

21. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

22. My wife submits and I obey. She always let me have her way.

23. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

24. A happy marriage is giving and taking. The husband gives and the wife takes.

25. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
_____

[cobra de capell]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

[cobra de capell]

6 Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex...This happens during the honeymoon period; you
keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even on the kitchen table, etc...

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you
have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The forth kind is Hallway Sex... This is the phase in which you pass
each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex
by some.

5. There is also a fifth kind of Sex... Courtroom Sex, this is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a
month, but it's not enough to live on...!

[cobra de capell]

Thanks to rising fuel prices, I think Jack Smith has come up with an alternative fuel.......

[cobra de capell]

HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY FINAL EXAM

Name:
Alias:
Gang:

__________________________________________________ ________________________

1> Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of
ten shots & shoots 13 rounds at every drive- by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
What is the maxium number of people he can hit?

2> Jose' has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells a 8-ball to Ricky for
$320, & 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he
have left?
What is the street value of the remaining coke?

3> Rufus is pimping three girls. If his cut is $65 per trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800
per day crack habit?

4> Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces will he need?

5> Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, & $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's & three 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he
have to steal to make $1000?

6> Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000
for the hit. If his comman-law wife is spending $100 per month , how
much money will be left when he gets out of prison (w/ time off for
good behavior /overcrowding) & how many years will he get for killing
the ***** that spent his money?

7> If the average spray can covers 22 square feet & the average
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he
steals 3 full cans of paint & finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?

8> Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28 girls
in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

9> Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night.
She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month
rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up
with her expenses?

10> Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% & returns to Mexico, how much
money will he lose by jumping bail?

____END OF EXAM______________________________________________ _____________

[cobra de capell]

Stress Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Examples:

Milk Duds, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls and Red Vines.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples:

Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We All know how calories like to cling!!)


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED
BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

[Art Burtt]

After my hernia operation the Dr. said not to lift anything over 25 pounds, now I have to sit down to pee!!

[Cobrabill]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if
military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off
America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does
not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell
customer service reps. It's getting ugly.

[cobra de capell]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...


































He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

[Cobrabill]

THE STRING AND THE SPOON
When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Ron61]

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did
it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" He said "I did," he said, "And she
told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up
from school."

[Cobrabill]

Lezbonics

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?... A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?... Militia Etheridge

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?...
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?... Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?... A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?... Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?... She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?... Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?... Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?... Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?...
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.