Jokes

[Ron61]

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day
recently. "Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an
egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs
in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is
pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.


"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day... "

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said," You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!


> How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him-he was licking his ass and
fell off the window sill."

[wtm442]

Forget Rednecks ..here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New

Englanders...

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping it will swim by, you might
live in New England.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each
year because Mt. Washington is the coldest spot in the nation, and Boston
gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you live
in New England.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in
New England.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you live in New England.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work
there, you live in New England.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you live in New England.

And, you know you are a New Englander when: "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
without flinching.

You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked.

You carry jumpers in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use
them.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

The speed limit on the high! way is 55mph -- you're going 80 and everybody
is passing you!

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road
construction.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly."

[wtm442]

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm.

It's got to be better this way cause this getting old sucks!