Jokes

[Ron61]

DIVORCE

-He Wants a Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got

along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

[cobra de capell]

Hillary's book reviews:

1. " Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end you too will want to sleep with an intern."

- Craig Kilborn

2. In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."

- Jay Leno

3. "In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."

- David Letterman

4. "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."

- David Letterman

5. "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington . People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."

- Jay Leno

6. "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."

- Craig Kilborn

7. "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It."

- Jay Leno

8. "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . the one with only seven commandments."

- David Letterman

[wtm442]

"You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furni ture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't h ave curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by uncltodd

What goes. "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BAM! BAM! BAM! (get thee up, Buttercup) Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop?

Amish drive-by shooting.

Sorry, could not resist.

UT

UT,
If you're gonna do Amish jokes, get 'em right!
Rick

[cobra de capell]

In his boldest bid yet to apologize to the Jewish community, actor Mel Gibson today announced that he had converted to Judaism.


The news took many Jews aback, since conversion to Judaism is a demanding process that can take months or even years of study, and Mr. Gibson accomplished the feat in a record time of forty-five minutes.


But a spokesman for the "Lethal Weapon" star explained how Mr. Gibson pulled off his lightning-fast conversion: "This is Hollywood -- a lot of things can be done by special effects."


Moments after his conversion to Judaism, Mr. Gibson paid a visit to the registrar's office in Los Angeles County and had his name legally changed to "Mel Gibstein" in a show of commitment to his new chosen faith.


Then it was off to Malibu, where the 50-year old actor was bar mitzvahed on the beach in a small, private ceremony.


"Today, I am a man," Mr. Gibstein said before a gathering of friends and well-wishers from the local watering hole Moonshadows. "A Jew man!"


Mr. Gibstein, whose Lexus LS sedan now sports a license plate reading "LCHAIM," said that he was "thoroughly enjoying being a Jew" and vowed to only shop wholesale from now on.


The actor added he would begin production of a new film, "Mad Matzoh Beyond Thundershalom," as soon as he kicks his drinking problem.


"I am really committed to reheeb," he said. "I mean rehab."

Special Note: It's that circumcision that's really going to be the ultimate sacrifice...

[cobra de capell]

A beautiful, stacked blonde in a minidress is causing a disturbance in the local supermarket, as she runs frantically up and down the aisles, alternately placing her hands over her ears , then her breasts, and then her groin area..then repeating the seqeuence...Finally the store manager gets through the circle of men who have surrounded her, and he asks .."Lady what are you doing?..you're causing a riot in my store..." "Sorry" she replies..but I'm so absent minded..I was just trying to remember my shoppping list...Two ears of corn, two quarts of milk, and Fantastik!"

[cobra de capell]

"Sir we've got some bad news and good news."

"What's the bad news?"

"We've just found your wife's body, they've pulled it up from the bay, it was covered in dungeoness and king crabs."

"uhhh, I see, what's the good news?"

"We'll be pulling it up again tomorrow."
_____

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass."

[cobra de capell]

Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?

A: He marks the camels that kick
_____

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

[cobra de capell]

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!

P-O-S-S-E!"

[Cobrabill]

http://media.bofunk.com/media/videos.../cameltoe2.wmv

[Cobrabill]

1. HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.


I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. . . he seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep, I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


















2. HIS DIARY

I didn't catch any fish today. . . . but at least I got laid.

[392cobra]

Subject: Minsk


The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.













"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[Cobrabill]

THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


MEANWHILE...

A NEW WIVES store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited....

[Ron61]

Subject: Do animals stutter ?




A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,"

she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of

these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we

knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl,

"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

and before he could say "****," the Rottweiler ate him!"

[Ron61]

A nun and her fortune

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO
CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE",

BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS
STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE.

SHE SAID TO HERSELF, THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."

[hey,littlecobra]

My new car

I bought a new 2006 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman
explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson"!

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie", he continued, and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then
he said, "Ray Charles", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced
Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days , every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles,"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light, and nearly creamed my new car, but I
swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the French
National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda, and Barbara Streisand,
backed up by Michael Moore, and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar,
Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Barbara Pelosi on tamborine,
Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn I love this car.

[BigGuy]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Lady Godiva, in the year 1057, exasperated her husband by persistently pleading with him to reduce the taxes on the people of Coventry. To silence her, he declared he would do so only if she rode naked through the town's market place. The 17-year-old Godiva called his bluff and set out for the town the next day on horseback, completely naked. However, by concealing most of her body with her long and copious hair, she preserved both her own modesty and her husband's pride, enabling him to reduce the taxes without loss of face.

A later embellishment of this almost certainly apocryphal tale suggests that Lady Godiva made a pact with the townspeople that they would remain indoors, behind shuttered windows, if they wanted their taxes reduced. Everyone complied except a tailor called Tom. This prurient citizen peeped through his curtains and was instantly struck blind (or, in some versions, dead). Poor voyeuristic Tom, blind or dead as the case may be, left the epithet "a peeping Tom" as a permanent legacy to the English language.

[October-1881]

Best 2006 blonde joke so far..........


A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San
Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck
had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked,
"Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours
fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees
in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to
the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees
were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully
strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking
down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of a big crowd.


With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take
these chimpanzees to the zoo."


"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so
now we're going to Sea World."

[Cobrabill]

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant
gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat
belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your
trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you
safely to your destination.

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear
her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came
by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is
female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and
sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no
longer call it the cockpit."

"It's the Box office."