Jokes

[Don]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides.Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.Not both. If you already know best how to do it,

just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying,but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.



Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh.

[wtm442]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[Ralph_C]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
*
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it and I'm not leaving until I get it."
*
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
*
Of course the Madam said "No".
*
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
*
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.**He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
*
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
*
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.* Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.
*
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease and HE'S the #@$%@ who ran over my FROG!"

[cobra de capell]

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back.

I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating...sleeping...*****ing or crying for no apparent reason...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a
friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes
for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.! Why don't you just add an in-store microphone to the darn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them where the sun does not shine.

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

[cobra de capell]

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ordering The Burger King Quad Stacker:

10."Are my papers in order?"
9. "Can I get it supersized?"
8. "Will I have time to run 298 miles to burn off the calories?"
7. "Could this have anything to do with why the rest of the world hates us?"
6. "Should I talk to my doctor about Lipitor?"
5. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"
4."How come there isn't any sausage on this bad boy?"
3. "Why is Burger King making me sign a release form?"
2. "Should I wait til they come out with the 'Quint Stacker'?"
1. "Do I have my cardiologist on speed dial?"
_____

No. 11 - Do I want fries with that?

No 12: Can I get the small diet coke?

[Ron61]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,

"What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight
this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[wtm442]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)







The coffin stops

[Wes Tausend]

A TENDER STORY ABOUT AN ELEPHANT

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.


Probably wasn't the same elephant. The party had changed.

Subtle.

...

[Ron61]

DON'T PUT GRANDMA ON THE STAND:


Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Smith. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the
entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks that woman ifshe knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.