Jokes

[wtm442]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[Ralph_C]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
*
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it and I'm not leaving until I get it."
*
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
*
Of course the Madam said "No".
*
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
*
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.**He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
*
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
*
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.* Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.
*
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease and HE'S the #@$%@ who ran over my FROG!"

[cobra de capell]

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back.

I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating...sleeping...*****ing or crying for no apparent reason...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a
friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes
for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.! Why don't you just add an in-store microphone to the darn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them where the sun does not shine.

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

[cobra de capell]

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ordering The Burger King Quad Stacker:

10."Are my papers in order?"
9. "Can I get it supersized?"
8. "Will I have time to run 298 miles to burn off the calories?"
7. "Could this have anything to do with why the rest of the world hates us?"
6. "Should I talk to my doctor about Lipitor?"
5. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"
4."How come there isn't any sausage on this bad boy?"
3. "Why is Burger King making me sign a release form?"
2. "Should I wait til they come out with the 'Quint Stacker'?"
1. "Do I have my cardiologist on speed dial?"
_____

No. 11 - Do I want fries with that?

No 12: Can I get the small diet coke?

[Ron61]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,

"What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight
this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[wtm442]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)







The coffin stops

[wtm442]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father".

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,

"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,

"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

>>> > > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding inConnecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,

"Sir,have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken $hit"

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Stupidity should not be punishable by death, we should merely remove all the warning labels and let nature take it's course!