Jokes

[Ron61]

Entertainment at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into
a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...

"The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

[Mark IV]

The state of football in Detroit

A Detroit Lions family of fans has tickets to Sunday afternoon game. First they attend church and to be sure as not to put the tickets in the collection plate in error, the father leaves them on the dashboard of the family car in the church parking lot.

After church they rush out to leave for the game and to their horror they see the drivers side window had been smashed out............................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................and six more tickets left on the dash!!!!


How do you keep lions out of your yard?
Put up goalposts!!!!!!!!!!1

[cobra de capell]

CHRISTMAS PARTIES
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog and rum.