Jokes

[VRM]

A woman named Jill stood up during her church's prayer

request time one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his motorcycle, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats as she continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle an have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in. Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:"STERNUM !"

[VRM]

Two guys, one 75 and one 70, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 75 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 75 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. He says to the lady, "I want 5 loaves of rye bread." She says, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

Amazed he replies, "I can't believe it! Everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me!"

[VRM]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. They call 911 and the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his doctor meets him and checks him out. He
asks "How bad is it Doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin!"

The doctor tells him, "I'll have to put a splint on it to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal herself. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "You think that's something? Look at this...still in the
CRATE!"

[VRM]

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

He hadn't been there for a while, so one evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral:

Some old men can still think fast...

[VRM]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

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A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

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One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Worst First Date
We have all had dates . . . but this takes the cake.

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was seen on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter . . . snowing and quite cold . . . and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte in the lodge.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show . . . she took the prize hands down . . . or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This gives a whole new meaning to being "pi**ed off".