Jokes

[d_ford]

Hillbilly Farmer
>
>
> An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
> unmercifully From morning till night (and sometimes
> later), she was always complaining about something.
> The only time he got any relief was when he was out
> plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
>
> One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him
> lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the
> shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his
> lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
> again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
>
> All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
> hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
> Killed her dead on the spot.
>
> At the funeral several days later, the minister
> noticed something rather odd When a woman mourner
> would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
> minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
> mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute,
> then shake his head in disagreement. This was so
> consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
> about it.
> So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old
> farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
> agreed with the women, but always shook his head and
> disagreed with all the men.
>
> The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up
> and say something about how nice my wife looked, or
> how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
> agreement."
>
> "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
>
>
>
> "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

[d_ford]

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

[cobra de capell]

New State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Hurricane Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Ladies of the Night and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

[cobra de capell]

New State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Hurricane Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Ladies of the Night and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

[cobra de capell]

Side Effects Of Alcohol


1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.

3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.

7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself.

8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.

[cobra de capell]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill. He couldn't figure it out, so he asked his buxom blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[dave from mesa]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN




The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He
is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St.. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get
into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today
and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next
one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer
can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January
2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go
on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first
two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as
the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY
TELLS
ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[Ron61]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing > and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Sharroll Celby]

I wonder what the "condoms and K-Y Jelly" aisle sounds like.

[wtm442]

Originally Posted by Sharroll Celby

I wonder what the "condoms and K-Y Jelly" aisle sounds like.

You have a complete aisle dedicated to condoms and K-Y jelly? Where do you live so I can move there?

[VRM]

A woman named Jill stood up during her church's prayer

request time one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his motorcycle, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats as she continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle an have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in. Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:"STERNUM !"

[VRM]

Two guys, one 75 and one 70, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 75 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 75 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. He says to the lady, "I want 5 loaves of rye bread." She says, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

Amazed he replies, "I can't believe it! Everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me!"

[VRM]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. They call 911 and the ambulance takes him to the hospital where his doctor meets him and checks him out. He
asks "How bad is it Doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin!"

The doctor tells him, "I'll have to put a splint on it to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal herself. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "You think that's something? Look at this...still in the
CRATE!"

[VRM]

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

He hadn't been there for a while, so one evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral:

Some old men can still think fast...

[VRM]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Worst First Date
We have all had dates . . . but this takes the cake.

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays. This was seen on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter . . . snowing and quite cold . . . and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte in the lodge.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show . . . she took the prize hands down . . . or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing. This gives a whole new meaning to being "pi**ed off".

[cobra de capell]

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's

in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a

Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a

Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many

requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want

the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the

differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The

Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up

the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and

upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what

does the Jewish bra do?"

"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[cobra de capell]

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.


After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " Kansas ."

"Really" she said. "I have family in Kansas ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

[cobra de capell]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."