Jokes

[BigGuy]

I’m passing on this "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers that I received from an unnamed friend.

“Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday and very likely this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.”

[Ron61]

There's Teeth Down There!
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
Outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While Waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes
Walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's
Skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that
Women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his
Lucky Stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little
Boy Grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When
he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are
Out Of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour
Of Making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you
Could Go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says,
Pointing To her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as
Teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"
No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women
Have Teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,
Throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have
Any Teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing
The Condition of those gums, I'm not surprised.

[Wes Tausend]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... Pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"

[Wes Tausend]

...

This is actually not a joke... If you can pass, you can safely turn on your Cobra ignition Key again and cancel your annual eye examination... Can you find the "C" ??? (Good exercise for the eyes!)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once you've found the C..........

Find the 6!

9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999

Once you've found the 6...

Find the N! (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM


...

[CobraEd]

took about 15 seconds. Heres a hint, when looking for the "N", look for the shortest line, and it is in that line. Brain power is stronger than eye power!!!

[wtm442]

It only took me about 3 seconds because the same brain teaser was posted about 4 months ago!

[cobra de capell]

It's easy, highlight the area with your browser, go to Edit, Find - key in C or 6 or N and they show up in less than a second. So, don't strain your eyes, use the PC!

[BigGuy]

Subject: Fw: THE INDIAN AND THE BUFFLO



An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:





"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:



"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..



"Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."



:

[cobra de capell]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mama!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

[cobra de capell]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the sale barn and sell them. At the sale, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So the farmer hosed off the pigs, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"

[Ron61]

LETTERS FROM WOMEN DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised a Christian turn against his upbringing.

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

[cobra de capell]

I'm not sure if this is a joke, but it's one man's solution:

Like many people, my life has not exactly been a bowl of cherries. From childhood family problems to my own marital difficulties, from my teenaged struggle to find meaning in my existence to my recent financial woes, it seems like every day of my life has offered little more than a 24-hour struggle to avoid complete mental breakdown.

Through it all, there's only been one thing I could count on - one companion that's always been at my side, one friend that's never led me astray: alcohol. Yes, for much of my life, drinking was the only thing that saw me through the tough times.

I was barely out of my youth the first time drinking alcohol helped me make it through a particularly difficult period. It was my fifteenth birthday, in fact, and my father had gone a little overboard with my birthday spanking, if you know what I mean. No, it wasn't the first time he'd hit me, but I was determined to make it the last. That night, as I gathered my belongings and prepared for my premature escape into the world of independence, I found a half-full bottle of my father's whiskey. Although I didn't care much for the taste, I hastily guzzled it down in celebration of my pending liberation.

To make a long story short, I didn't end up running away from home that night. Instead, I ended up passing out on my bedroom floor. And you know something? In the harsh light of that April morning, I realized that running away from home was not such a great idea. It turned out that drinking had helped me both forget about my father's physical abuse and deter me from making a big mistake in running away.

I've been drinking my problems away ever since.

In fact, looking back on all these years, I think it's safe to say that by now, if it hadn't been for drinking, I probably would have ended up on skid row, in jail or even dead. With as much **** as I've had to go through in life, as many nights as I've been on the brink of emotional and mental collapse, it's perfectly reasonable to envision myself having resorted to some sort of self-destructive behavior instead of just crawling inside the bottle for a few days. It's pretty hard to cause yourself harm when you have zero control over your basic motor functions.

With alcohol being so readily available, I often find it hard to believe that so many people turn to self-destructive activities like listening to rock music or overeating whenever one of life's little hurdles puts them back on their heels. Equally confusing are the ideas of going to a psychiatrist or joining a support group. Whenever I need to find someone to listen or a group of people with similar problems, I needn't look any further than the closest pub! You'd be suprised how many others use the bottle as their pillar of strength.

Well, no matter what remedy you choose to combat this cancer called life, remember: like a hangover, the tough times will pass

[DAVID GAGNARD]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump $hit out of an aircraft.
*Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?

[Ron61]

Woodpecker Logic

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed
to
fly across the ocean to Hawaii , were arguing about which place had
the
toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no
woodpecker could peck! The Californian woodpecker challenged him and
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian
woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to
peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The
Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the
challenge. So after flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker
successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was
able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same
conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[Art Burtt]

Two buddies drinking:
Two buddies are getting very drunk when suddenly one of them throws up on himself.
He says,"oh no, my wife is going to kill me!
His buddy says,"don't worry pal just put a twenty dollar bill in your front pocket and tell your wife some guy threw up on you and gave you the twenty for the dry cleaning bill".

They stay for another couple of rounds and get even drunker.

Eventually the drunk stumbles home and his wife starts giving him a hard time,"you reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself ,you are disgusting"!
Spaeaking very crefully so as not to slur,he says,
"Nowaina minit, I can 'spalin everything! itsh not what you think. I only had a cupoladrinks. But some guy threw up on me ,he had too many and couldn't hold his liquor. he said he was very sorry and gave me a twennie bucks for the cleaning bill". His wife looks in his pocket and says, But this forty dollars". "Oh yeah... I almos forgot,he shhhit in my pants too"!

[Wes Tausend]

...

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-$-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.
A-$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull$hit and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.


...

[Ron61]

Chinese Laundry


A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
ChineseLaundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the
next collection of soiled clothes;

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean
laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[Cobrabill]

Blue Pigeon


The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix.


The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was
full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks
or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets
and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor proposition. "I can
rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five
million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up
into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue
pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.
The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of
the city.


The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man a top
City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of
pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he
did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the
man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get
to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

[dave from mesa]

Walmart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive and mean woman walked into Wal-Mart
with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no
they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[cobra de capell]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would
be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill,
in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
_____