Jokes

[Wes Tausend]

...

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.

Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

================\

Cowboy Prayer


Jake, the rancher, went one day
to fix a distant fence.

The wind was cold and gusty
and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
and gathered tools to go,

The temperature had fallen,
the wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
he felt a heavy heart.

From the sound of that ignition,
he knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
would do if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time,
he softly cursed his luck.

They found him three days later,
frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
and done his share of roaming.

But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked
it looked just like Wyoming!

Of all the saints in Heaven,
his favorite was St. Peter.

(Now, this line ain't needed
But it helps with rhyme and meter)

So they set and talked a minute or two,
or maybe it was three.

Nobody was keeping score
in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,
"That God will answer prayer,
but one time I asked for help,
well, he just plain wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some,
and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square
I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply,
without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
the weather or the season."

"Now I ain't trying to act smart,
it's just the way I feel.

And I was wondering, "could you tell me,
what the heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened very patiently
and when Jake was done,
there were smiles of recognition,
and he said, "So, you're the one!!"

!!!

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
and you sent your prayer a flying,
you gave us all a real bad time,
with hundreds of us trying."

"A thousand angels rushed,
to check the status of your file,
but you know, Jake, we hadn't heard
from you in quite a long while."

"And though all prayers are answered,
and God ain't got no quota,

He didn't recognize your voice,
and started a truck in Minnesota!"

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH


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