Jokes

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Humor, but.......


Top 10 questions to ask the Democrat candidates for President:

10) If we can’t drill, can’t refine, can’t mine, can’t build nuclear power plants and can’t burn fossil fuels, how can we become “energy independent”? I mean besides returning America to the Stone Age.

9) If we start burning our food to avoid upsetting a few caribou, what will we eat next and how much will it cost compared to a gallon of ethanol?

8) Since our federal government has never failed to increase their original projected budget, or outspend that budget no matter how many times its been increased, why should we believe that you are going to lower the cost of health care if we let you manage that?

7) Aren’t you the folks who came up with the HMO?

6) If Cheryl Crow believes in one square of tissue per wipe, does she believe in one mini-pad per period and isn’t she on your team?

5) If America has already lost in Iraq, who won and when will we face the victor again?

4) If the people are so stupid that they need you to take care of their most fundamental needs, how do you feel about being elected by the dumbest people in America?

3) If illegal immigration was the key to America’s multi-cultural success, was legal immigration a blot on that record?

2) If Hillary Clinton can’t make her husband behave like a decent human being, why should we believe that she has the backbone to make Iran, North Korea, Syria, China or Russia behave?

1) Can anyone run for president now, or does affirmative action limit it to just empty suits from Illinois with no resume’ who have a Muslim sounding name?

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At the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Ralph on his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Ralph replied to the audience, "Well, I've treated her well, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Italy."

The minister then said, "Ralph, you are a terrific example to all husbands. Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Ralph said, "I'm gonna go get her."

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A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand-- embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs--at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[GlynMeek]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool
and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and pulls himself up
by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some
fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He
sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and
takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm soused,"
he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down
the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes
a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin' way."

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think I can make
it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says,
"This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and
says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[GlynMeek]

The Tale of Two Prawns.


Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted. '

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark,' came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'......

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(You're going to love this...)




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'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian !'

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn' t move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS!

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For the Catholics...
The crowd is about to stone Mary Magdalene, when Jesus steps forward and says,

"Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone."

From the back of the crowd comes a big rock, over Jesus' head, 'bam' hits Mary Magdalene square between the eyes. Down she goes.

Jesus does a slow turn, looks back to see the thrower and says,

"Mom! Stop following me around - You're embarrassing me!"
_____

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have breasts bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, “the bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”

Satisfied with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “things” than his dad does.

She replies, “The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.”

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again and promptly tells mother: “Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
____

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on
the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did all this happen?”

“Just a couple minutes ago.”

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband just looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?” was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he’s walking through the door. “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He just looked at her and said “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, “Honey, how come there aren’t any more leaks, and the car’s running?”

She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.” “Wow, did he charge us anything?” asked the husband. “No, he just said that he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him” she said.

“Cool. What kind of cake did you make?” asked the husband. “Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."

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A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
"Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
"Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said 'down the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."

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Mission accomplished!

One night , after couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned
to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

He whispered back, “ I found the remote!”

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WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

Husband’s note on refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.

[Ron61]

Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George Bush are captured by terrorists
and
told they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next
morning.

Just as the sun is rising the next day, Clinton is placed against the
wall. Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells,
"Earthquake!"

The firing squad falls into a panic, Bill jumps over the wall and
escapes in the confusion.

John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is
reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done. Before
the
order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!" Again the squad falls
apart and Kerry slips over the wall, thus making his escape.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He
thinks,
"I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the
wall."

As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, "Fire

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Doctor’s funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
“I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ......... I’m a gynecologist.”

The proctologist fainted.

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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
teachers throughout the land.
The winners.....

1
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it .

4
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh,
like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9
The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11
From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you’re on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12
Her hair glistened in the rain
like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13
The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14
Long separated by cruel fate,
the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph,
the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16
John and Mary had never met.
They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant,
and she was the East River.

18
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20
The young fighter had a hungry look,
the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

22
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her,
like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23
It was an American tradition,
like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

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Say this 3 times fast in a scottish accent:

WHALE ... OIL ... BEEF ... HOOKED...

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California Driving Rules

The basic principles for driving in the State of California are as follows:

When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the car pool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.
If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.
The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially = applicable in parking lots.
Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.
While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
Every lane is the suicide lane.
Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.
During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.
If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.
For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest.
To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a mid life crisis.
If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.
If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the Reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.
Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!
Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.
Never car pool.
Take full advantage of your right to u-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.
While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club on your steering wheel.
On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane

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TERMINOLOGY USED IN PERSONAL ADS
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
THE ADS FROM WOMEN

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
Heath Care Professional.. Hillary Clinton
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height.................. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
------------------------------------------------------------

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

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College Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate!!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry about the misunderstanding,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom - I’ll show you how.”