Jokes

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[4RE KLR]

and the best part is you can get it without a perscription

[cobra de capell]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.



Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes..


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[cobra de capell]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".



Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

"I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.


It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her".

[cobra de capell]

Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter's "gatekeeping" questions.

"And what area of health care were you involved with?" he asked the first. "I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood," the man replied.

"Excellent," said St. Peter, "how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward."

"And you?" Peter asked the second.

"I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms."

"A noble calling, indeed," said Peter, "you're in!"

"What about you?" he asked the third.

"Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan."

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: "I've got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days."

[cobra de capell]

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Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

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GEORGIA PEACHES
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

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A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates, to be greeted by St. Peter and a wall full of clocks. He asked St. Peter, what are these clocks? St. Peter replied, These are "lie clocks", the hands move each time a person tells a lie. See, over here is Mother Teresa's clock, the hands have never moved. And over here is Abe Lincoln's clock, and one hand has only moved a little.

The man asked, Where is Hillary Clinton's clock? St. Peter replied, Oh, it's in Jesus' office, He's using it as a ceiling fan.

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Well, we all know what weddings organized by women are like, so the ultimate question is: What would a wedding organized by men be like?

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops, AND they would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" [censored].

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. After all, when was the last time you priced out strippers and an “open bar” policy?

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her backside.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

And finally the invitations would read as follows...


Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
Yep, he's getting married!

He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him, for the rest of his life, at:
Soldier Field Stadium
On the 50 Yard Line
At Half-time during Sunday's Game

Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!

[cobra de capell]

These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights. So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store. One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need so me maters, taters and onions. The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?". The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent". So as the good ole boys left , one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?" The other one said "sure". So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginig aren't you?". Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent". The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"

[cobra de capell]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?



The porcupine has the pr!cks on the outside.

[cobra de capell]

"You have reached the answering service of your school. In order to
assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent... Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work... Press 2

To complain about what we do... Press 3

To cuss out staff members... Press 4

To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed
in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you... Press 5

If you want us to raise your child... Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone...Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year... Press 8

To complain about bus transportation... Press 9

To complain about school lunches... Press O

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable/ responsible for his/her own behavior,class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)s lack of effort---

Hang up and have a nice day!!!

[cobra de capell]

Senior Moments

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

[cobra de capell]

Got the the list of the most active posters here - this is picture of their typical posting environment:

<P>

Ron?

[cobra de capell]

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________________ __________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________________ ______________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________________ ______________

4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________ ________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ____________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________ _____

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

[cobra de capell]

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
_____

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipelined through Washington designating Southern slang, or "Y'allbonics", as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew ?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert !"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE !"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart? Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". Usage "Billy Bob seed Bubba over'ta the fill'n station yester'd."

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert".

[cobra de capell]

Are you the weakest link?

Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK? Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are. Ready? ... GO!!!

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. (You know you took too much time.)

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.

[cobra de capell]

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.

The boy started off

"Hi, my name's Chuck "..... and the farmer shot him.

[wtm442]

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, and how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of $hit it can no longer fly.

[cobra de capell]

Two guys are discussing popular family trends regarding sex, marriage and values.

Stan says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. . . . Did you?''

Roger replies "I'm not sure -- I may have. What's her maiden name?

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."