Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A poem to some Club members:

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud


A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.


A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......


A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.


But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

[cobra de capell]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results,

I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

[Ron61]

GOOD OL' TED. HE'S RIGHT ON IT.



Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What
do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you
shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that
killed my brother?' "


Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to
screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much
like the French.' "
The interview ended at that point.

[cobra de capell]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.----------

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[cobra de capell]

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."
The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? "

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

[cobra de capell]

Here is the traditional collegiate football quiz to begin the season.
Even though you may know most of the answers, it is still fun to reminisce the halcyon days of yore.


(1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

.........Drool.


(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

.........A full set of teeth.


(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?

.........Grease her hips and push.


(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?

.........Pay him for the pizza..


(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?

........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.


(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?

.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.


(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?

.........His freshman year.


(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

.........None -- that's a sophomore course.


(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?

........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.


AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)


(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

[cobra de capell]

Actual comments within resumes or cover letters:


"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of
my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost
money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never
quit a job."

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."


REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mum until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."


JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately
lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."


SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."


PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."


SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fidget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation

"Your requirements match the responsibilites of my present job
precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."

[cobra de capell]

Gotta Love Little Boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.

They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

[Ron61]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[cobra de capell]

GROANERS

1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 50,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Many recent historians wondered for which team they were bowling. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever, if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, the biologist's supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.

Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800's, the Tates Watch Company of Boston wanted to produce other products and, since they already had made many beautiful cases for watches, they used them to present the handsome compasses.

The new compasses, however, were so bad, that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He, who has a Tates, is lost!"

(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.

After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three be came pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This goes to prove that: the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Also:

Resolving to surprise her husband on his birthday, an executive's wife stopped by his office - and found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair that is safe to use."

The wife happily took hubby to lunch, leaving a very satisfied smile on the secretary's face......

[cobra de capell]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

______

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

[cobra de capell]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

[cobra de capell]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

[cobra de capell]

May have already been posted, but it says so much about what guys will do to score:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian that is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me “Bubba”.

[cobra de capell]

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[cobra de capell]

A few early detection schemes to know if you have PMS:

1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4) Your significant other is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-###-####."
6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7) You're convinced there's a God and He's male.
8) You're counting down the days until menopause.
9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[cobra de capell]

Lady walks into an ice cream parlor on a hot day.

“I’d like a gallon of chocolate ice cream”, she says.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but we’ve had a run on chocolate in this weather and we just ran out. We’ve got 30 other flavours, so please pick one of them.” replied the clerk.

“Oh well, I guess I’ll just have a quart of chocolate then.”

“Ma’am, perhaps you didn’t hear me. We are completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I’ll be happy to sell you another flavour.”

“Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then.”

The clerk has had enough at this point and asks, “Listen, lady, spell the ‘VAN’ in ‘vanilla’.”

The lady is puzzled, but replies “V-A-N”.

“OK, now spell the ‘STRAW’ in ‘strawberry’. he says.

She slowly replies, “S-T-R-A-W”, still not sure what he’s up to.

“OK, now spell the “DAMN” in ‘chocolate’.”

She looks at him and says, “There’s no ‘damn’ in chocolate!’

He shouts back, “That’s what I’m tryin to tell you, lady! There’s no damn chocolate!”

[cobra de capell]

Five stages of drunkeness:


Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he looses.

Stage #5 -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won't remember!

[cobra de capell]

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing? He says, “I figure when the bear gets too close, we’ll have to jump down and make a run for it.” The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear”!

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…

[cobra de capell]

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the [censored] was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,"I wish that a______ would've tried that [censored] with me".