Jokes

[cobra de capell]

“A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.

Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear.

They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what
this means, don't you?"

The other ranger responded, "Of course..."



You're gonna love this...






"The Czech is in the male."”

[cobra de capell]

“Bill Clinton explaining his seventh commandment problems to St. Peter: "Oh 'thou shalt not commit!', I thought it said 'admit'...."
_____

“What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine "”
____

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.

WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

[cobra de capell]

“OPTIMISTIC man vs. PROACTIVE man"

As the optimistic man is retiring for the night he grabs a bottle of aspirin. His wifes asks "why the asprin?". He replies "in case you get a headache dear".

As the proactive man is retiring for the night he grabs a bottle of aspirin. His wifes asks "why the asprin?". He replies "its for your headache dear".

"But I don't have a headache" she says.

The proactive man smiles.”

[cobra de capell]

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[cobra de capell]

Not actually a joke, but http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tt...le.php?sitepal go to this link - here's a lady that you can get to say whatever you want!

[cobra de capell]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER

10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

[cobra de capell]

“A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter
brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but
the customer decides to let it go.

"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have
some very good roast beef today."

"Sounds good," says the customer.

So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast
beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The
customer is irked, but decides to hold his tongue.

"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.

"Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb
stuck in the pie. Now the customer is pissed but decides to
let it go since he is almost finished.

"Coffee?" asks the waiter. And when the customer nods yes,
he hurries off, only to return with his thumb stuck in the
cup of coffee.

By now the customer can no longer restrain himself. "What
the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come
to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"

"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my
thumb in a hot, moist place."

"Why don't you just stick it up your a$$?"

"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"”

[cobra de capell]

15 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...
they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then
you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of
the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing
the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid
altogether.

8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame
yourself.

9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.

11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an
incompetent slacker.

13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.”

[cobra de capell]

Of course, in the office now - the same 15 sound like this:

1. Rome dun did not create some great empire by havin' meetin's... dey dun did it bywastein' everyone who opposed dem. WORD!

2. If ya' kin stay calm, while all around ya' be chaos...den ya' probably gotsn't completely understood da damn seriousness of de situashun.

3. Hangin' some job RIGHT de fust time digs de job done. Hangin' de job WRONG foeteen times gives ya' job security. Slap mah fro!

4. Eagles may so', but weasels duzn't dig sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence be no match fo' Natural Stupidity. Slap mah fro!

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Neva' put off until tomo'row whut ya' kin avoid altogeder. Ah be baaad...

8. TEAMWORK... means neva' havin' t'snatch all de blame yo'self.

9. De layoffs gots'ta continue until mo'ale improves.

10. Neva' underestimate da damn powa' of real stupid sucka's in large groups.

11. Hang in dere, retirement be only dirty years away! Right on!

12. Go de 'estra mile. It makes yo' Man look likes an incompetent slacker. Ah be baaad...

13. When de goin' digs tough, de tough snatch some coffee bust.

14. INDECISION be de key t'FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Yo' Goals, Avoid Disappointment. Man!”

[cobra de capell]

Washing Machine

This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk. They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.

To solve that problem they decided to come up with a "code word" to help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, "I have an idea, why not use 'washing machine' as the code word?"

So washing machine it was...

A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, "Honey, Washing machine?", and she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've got a huge headache, I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!" So he say's, "Alright that's fine, We'll do it tomorrow." They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep.

However, the wife can't sleep because she's thinking, gosh we've only been married 1 year so we're still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, "Honey, are you still awake??", and he replies, "Yeah, what do you want?". She says, "Washing Machine?!?!?!?" and he replies, "Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand."”

[GlynMeek]

"Not actually a joke, but http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tt...le.php?sitepal go to this link - here's a lady that you can get to say whatever you want!"


THIS looks like lots of fun, but it keeps saying "error on page" on my PC...anyone get this to work?

Glyn

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by GlynMeek

"Not actually a joke, but http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tt...le.php?sitepal go to this link - here's a lady that you can get to say whatever you want!"


THIS looks like lots of fun, but it keeps saying "error on page" on my PC...anyone get this to work?

Glyn

Your link doesn't work for me, but the one I originally posted above works perfectly. Perhaps you are blocked from work? I hope you can get to it - it's sort of fun getting her to talk dirty, although some words don't come out perfectly, but it still works well.

Another thing - actually, if one doesn't know how to pronounce a word, just key it in and she will help you out. And, she's sort of cute, virtually speaking.

And, she speaks several languages - you can also change her into a guy, but that's no fun.

[cobra de capell]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass”

[cobra de capell]

Editor's Note: This is a supposedly true story from
Dartmouth.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels
pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to
him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean ..." she whispers, "... I would do ... ANYTHING."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. " *Anything* ?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... *study* ?"”
_____

What not to say to a police officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[cobra de capell]

How many Americans does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Two (one conservative and one liberal): One to replace the lightbulb (conservative), and one (liberal) to sue the original lightbulb manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the lightbulb, compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedent requiring lightbulb manufacturers to state clearly that lightbulbs may require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.

[cobra de capell]

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, Oh illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."”

[wtm442]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[wtm442]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[cobra de capell]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun”

[cobra de capell]

Life Lessons From A Dog


1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes.

4. Don't go out without ID.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is
effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.”